LOST.
Fun, adventurous, self-motivated, intelligent woman who enjoys
quiet dinners, a good book, and a couple nights a week to relax with friends.
If found, please return to her Ohio home A.S.A.P!
~
Very shortly after the birth of my first child I returned to work.
I remember that day vividly, I was full of emotions. Common sense told me to be grateful for what I had found.
- Appreciative that I had located a seemingly family-friendly, part-time job in communications to replace my full-time, demanding job in advertising
- Thankful that I had tracked down affordable, nearby and highly recommended childcare for my infant
- Relieved that I had finally begun to obtain some much-needed rest (since my newborn had begun sleeping at night less sporadically)
Commonsense told me I should be grateful and that I was very fortunate for what I had found… but in reality, I will admit, I was far from grateful.
- I was extremely (understatement!) nervous about leaving my daughter with a babysitter
- I was worried about making ends meet as a part-time employee
- And most of all, I was scared - scared that I would not be able to handle it all (being a professional, a mother, a wife and a friend)
I felt lost. I was in uncharted territory with no clear direction and no obvious right answers on how to juggle and manage it all successfully.
And so, when nearly 5 months later I discovered that my new (and ridiculously cushy) part-time job was being cut, it was with an invisible sigh of relief that I decided to try my hand as a “stay-at-home” mom.
I thought to myself: Maybe that was my solution to finding my way in motherhood?
The Black Hole of Motherhood
I was relieved to not have to need childcare anymore. I was excited to have more waking hours to enjoy with my daughter. And I was happy to try my hand at self employment and work flexibility (as a freelance graphic designer and an adjunct college instructor).
Technically, I wasn’t unemployed… but in my mind I was no longer “going to work.”
I was very much relieved yet somehow, inexplicably…
Still lost.
Sucked in and seemingly trapped within the black hole that (to me) became “motherhood” - the somewhat oppressive ruler of much of my time.
How could this be? Why did I still feel so incomplete?
As I worked to be a “stay-at-home” mom by day, an adjunct instructor by night, and a weekend freelance graphic designer - I realized that I still hadn’t found a good mix.
I still felt lost.
I should be grateful! (I thought)
I should feel relief! (I argued in my head)
I was lucky to find some flexibility between work and motherhood! (I guiltily acknowledged)
Yet in reality, again, I was far from grateful.
(Which just added to my guilt as I wondered how could I NOT feel grateful for all that I had?)
And in hindsight I realized that for me, this feeling of personal emptiness was primarily because I had still not made myself and my own personal needs a life priority.
So it was with a lot a bit of hesitation (because I really wasn’t certain at the time that I was “allowed” to make myself a priority or that I even had the time to make myself a priority!) that I finally decided to do something “small” for myself.
With the support of my husband and the invitation of a friend, in the fall of 2005, I decided to visit my local Mothers’ Center.
Mothers’ Center: A Place for Me?
I sat there… feeling awkward and slightly insecure. I knew almost no one.
I had successfully managed to drop my daughter off in the Mothers’ Centers’ childcare room without too much trouble and (gasp!) enter childless into a facilitated group discussion with other moms.
Here I was, my first introduction to a Mothers’ Center meeting, and for the first time in a LONG time … I was alongside a group of other mothers with a.) no child hanging from my leg AND b.) the ability to actually finish a conversation uninterrupted by the tiny voice of my daughter.
By the end of the meeting, I began to remember the things I had enjoyed doing outside of being a mother. I felt the beginning stages of a renewed sense of self - the self that had been hiding behind motherhood.
And I left my first Mothers’ Center meeting knowing that I would return.
The Many Gifts of Mothers’ Center
Over the years my local Mothers’ Center has given me many gifts. It has given me:
- A place to feel “professional” again (when I wasn’t always working in a office atmosphere)
- A place to receive and give back nonjudgmental support
- A place to meet friends for both my kids and myself
- A place to grow and nurture my own leadership skills
- And ultimately, a place to realize a new career (as a current staff member with the National Association of Mothers’ Centers)
But most importantly, Mothers’ Center helped me to re-prioritize my life to include me. Mothers’ Center helped me to realize the significance and necessity of making myself and my own needs just as much of a priority as my kids. And Mothers’ Center has given me the confidence to know that motherhood is just a part of me and isn’t the only thing that defines me.
In return, through my Mothers’ Center… I was found.
And Now…
Over the years, Mothers’ Center has meant many different things to me. And I continue to be amazed at the things I learn from my involvement with Mothers’ Centers.
Recently I was amazed and truly inspired when I was able to meet other Mothers’ Center members from the New York area during my travels to visit the National Association’s office in Long Island.
And what amazed me most was how different and unique each Mothers’ Center is, yet how they all seemed to hold the same core values of non-judgmental sharing along with validating the importance of mothering work.
And at each Center I felt just as much at home as I did at my own Center.
Snapshots of my visits with other Mothers’ Center members in Long Island.
Yet initially, my relationship with Mothers’ Center all started very simply…
With just one morning.
One morning every week when I could get away from my kids for a short time and remember myself.
And now…
9 years after quitting my job in advertising,
8 years after loosing my part-time job in communications,
7 years after joining my local mothers center, and
3 very high-energy-children later…
I finally feel that I have re-found myself and re-discovered the fun, adventurous, self-motivated, intelligent woman that was always there, but had become increasingly lost after the birth of my first child.
FOUND.
A fun, adventurous, self-motivated, intelligent woman
who realizes that - in order to enjoy quiet dinners, a good book, and a couple
nights a week to relax with friends - all she needs to do…
Is give herself permission. Period.
~
Thank you Mothers’ Center.
Leave a Comment: What has Mothers’ Center meant to you? If you are not a Mothers’ Center member, what have you done over the years that has helped you to reconnect with who you are outside of motherhood?
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Awesome post Kate!
Joining Mothers’ Center was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It has allowed me to realize that it’s ok to make myself and my needs a priority. While it’s true I still struggle to give myself “permission” I’m learning that while Motherhood is my most important (and rewarding) job, it doesn’t define me as a person.
My one and only regret about Mothers’ Center is not having joined SOONER
Always my one regret too Tatum! ALWAYS! My oldest was nearing 3 years old when I joined and BOY could I have used the support, friendships and validation of my work as a mother SO MUCH sooner. But, as they say: Better late then never!
Kate - I love this. You make me want to join a Mother’s Center! Does Columbus have them? I never knew!
I started volunteering. A lot. Too much, eventually. But it’s how I found myself - the real self. I don’t know that I found my real self before kids, if I’m being honest.
Volunteering with my Mothers’ Center was really what did if for me too. It was a great way for me to exploring doing things that I enjoyed without being “committed” to a full-time, year round job.
P.S. There is a Mothers’ Center in Bexley, OH around Columbus! If that’s too far, you could always start your own Mothers’ Center
For me, it’s all those things AND a place where I can be reflective about my parenting. It forces me to think about my choices and become inspired by others. It feels like a Practicum class for this new career I’m pursuing an advanced degree in, even though I know it will be a lifelong pursuit - no graduation day!!
I agree Lori. Mothers’ Center has allowed me to not only reflect on my parenting, but to reflect on it in a way that feels positive and supportive instead of negative and overwhelming. I find myself no longer saying, “What am I doing wrong?” but instead, something like, “OK, that didn’t quite work as I had expected
, what other solution could I come up with?”
I absolutely love this post! So much of what you say resonates with me. Thank you for evoking in me what I have been searching for since I have had children: ME.
I feel motivated and inspired! I am on the journey to remove my ‘LOST ad’ and change it to ‘FOUND’. The Mother’s Center provides the medium for me to do just that
Linda M (Midshore Mothers’ Center)
I am SO excited that you connected with the post Linda! It gave me chills to hear your comment:
I can’t wait to see your ‘FOUND’ ad! You’ll have to share it with me
Terrific post. It made me smile as I recall all those same feelings when I found my Mothers’ Center many years ago. It is what motivates me to continue to do what I can for Mothers’ Centers to be there for future mothers. It was great to meet you at the NAMC Board of Trustees meeting on your visit to NY. Keep up your great work. Karen
Thank you Karen. It was wonderful to meet you too. I can’t express in words how energized I was upon returning to Ohio after my wonderful trip to New York and after having been able to meet so many wonderful mothers and Mothers’ Center members! Thanks for making me feel so welcome!
Hello from NY! It was lovely to meet you in person & I have to tell you how much I just enjoyed reading this. I couldn’t help, but cry at the conclusion of reading because I could identify with so much. Beautifully written Ms.”I’m not a writer” : )
It is so easy for me to write about things like Mothers’ Center - which have had a monumental effect on my life. Choosing to write on what I’m passionate about seems to be my key to “being a writer” when I’m really not… (or maybe I should say really not trained as one???)
I loved reading this posting Kate! I can so relate!!! So glad you came to our center.
I’m so glad I was able to visit! It was inspirational (to say the least!) Anne. Truly inspirational.
I’ve never heard of this before… I need to learn more about it!
Check out our About Page to learn more about what the Mothers’ Center is. It really is an amazing group of mothers with an amazing support structure! I was lucky to have a local center in my home town. Hopefully more centers continue to build up throughout the nation. Non-judgemental support was KEY in my journey to “re-find” myself. Key.
Wow. This post is so inspiring, so familiar, so relatable, and so depressing in some ways… As you know I’m on my own journey now. Having quit a corporate job, stayed home for almost a year, dabbled in freelance legal work, I am very much on search for myself like you were. Only I am clearly not yet “found” (hence, the depressing aspect). I find myself flailing, devoting myself to my kids, grieving over a career I abandoned, and losing myself a bit in the process. Don’t get me wrong - I am lucky, and I KNOW I am lucky. This was all my choice. But it is a hard, long process of adjustment, and I’m still in the thick of it. I am so glad Mothers’ Center was so life changing for you, and I can only hope that I eventually find a “home” for myself, away from home, even if for just an hour or two a week.
Thanks so much for sharing this.
It is a very hard and long adjustment period - going from full-time career woman to full-time parenthood. I agree… It was/is for me too. I really relate to how you compare it to a grieving period, because motherhood is such a large change, somewhat of a culture shock, and really impossible to prepare yourself for. Having the support of other moms, the support of family and the support of my husband was the only thing that truly got me through my first 9 years as a parent. I don’t think I’ll ever be fully adjusted - because things keep changing. But I know, that with the support of my friends, family and Mothers’ Center, I will always have someone to help me through the difficult periods.
P.S. You could always start a Mother’s Center in your area
Well written and so true!
I moved to another state, quit my job, and had a baby all within 6 weeks. Fortunately, I found MC when my son was 3 mos old. It has been a total lifesaver!
Oh this is so true. We lose our selves, we doubt ourselves, I wonder if we will ever fully believe in ourselves again. I mean, once we become mothers, we are responsible for someone else and that’s a big responsibility.
I belong to a mom-group that was started in our labour prep class. 3+ yrs later we still get together!
Motherhood is such a hard job. And sometimes we don’t give ourselves enough credit at how well we are doing our jobs. I mean, it isn’t like we get an annual bonus for a job well done. Or a yearly review showing us all of our accomplishments! Instead we often feel overwhelmed with tantrums, and sibling arguments, and crying, etc. In away Carolyn, Mothers’ Center (my mom’s group) has been one of the few things that has helped me to reflect on my parenting and see some of the positives I do - to help me believe in myself as a person and a parent.
You hit the nail right on the head. Mothers Center of Greater Toledo was a life saver to me (and my kids). We formed playgroups, attended Kindermusik classes together, got to know eachother aside from our mommy roles. There was a sense of accountability to get up, get dressed and go to the meeting every week. The differing topics were so helpful, as was the time to grab a drink and a snack without using a sippee cup!
We are so lucky to have our Mothers’ Center group here in the Toledo area aren’t we? I hope that Mothers’ Centers Continue to expand - especially in the Ohio and Michigan area Cheryl! That time “to grab a drink and a snack without using a sippee cup” is priceless!