“You can’t always get what you want,
but if you try sometimes, you just might find,
you get what you need”
~ The Rolling Stones
Right before Thanksgiving is just about the time when it all begins.
Everywhere you look, commercialism is in full swing. Everywhere. And, about 6 years ago, as a mom to my 1st toddler-aged child, it truly caught me off guard to hear my nearly 3-year-old start obsessively demanding:
Mommy, I WANT that!
Momma, I NEED that! OR
Mooommmm! Get. Me. THAT!
Most of the time, there wasn’t even a “please” following her shouted demand!
Her arms would flail and her finger would point again and again at the TV, a newspaper ad, a billboard sign or whatever else had managed to easily capture her attention and highlight the newest toy that she just HAD to have.
And to make matters worse, December is not just holiday season for us, but two out of 3 of our kids also have birthdays during this month! (I know. Poor planning. But let’s not go there…)
Our oldest daughter 6 years ago celebrating her 3rd birthday.
And here is the ironic part of this story: Prior to motherhood, I worked in the advertising profession.
Due to my background, one would think I would be completely familiar with the effects of advertising and commercialism on children. But in reality, the excessive holiday ads never disturbed me very much until after I heard my own daughter continue to make demands for things she had to have that she really didn’t need.
Authors Note: These demands are made even more painful by the fact that in reality, 99% of the time our children seem to have way more fun playing with the toy boxes then the overpriced toy we reluctantly purchased within the box.
Rationalization and the 3-Year-Old
So finally, after the bazillionth time of hearing her ask for things that she very likely may not get (and also because I was starting to get concerned that our holiday and birthday celebrations were going to be a big disappointment to her!), I sat down with my toddler and tried to explain:
- The difference between need and want
- The monetary expenses related to her “wants,” and
- How just because she wants something, doesn’t necessarily mean that she will get it
(OK, rookie mom mistake maybe?)
It was in that one conversation that I realized a.) advertising really did work (to the complete surprise of an ex-advertising professional who should have known better!) and b.) it is very hard to rationalize want and need with an almost 3-year-old.
And in as much as advertising apparently does work, my conversation with my nearly 3-year-old did not work. The very next minute hour day we were yet again bombarded with something along the lines of “Momma, I NEED that new toy!” as she insistently pointed at the TV.
I was determined not to be defeated.
There had to be some small way to better help my child de-emphasize the importance she was placing on the material things she was asking for.
And that was when I came up with: “Put it on my list.”
A Matter of Semantics?
How do we teach our kids the difference between a want and a need?
To our 3-year old, this concept of want vs. need was not really connecting. And it turned out that our beginning solution was found within a verbal context that our 3-year-old could relate with. (And which we felt put less emphasis on her want!)
Our family’s temporary answer was found in five words: “Put in on my list.”
My husband and I decided that every time our daughter started to tell us that she MUST have THAT toy, we would say: “Well, put it on your list honey!”
And it stuck. (In fact, 3 kids later - it has still stuck!)
To our amazement, rarely do we ever hear the obsessive demands of “I WANT THAT!” from our children anymore. Instead, every once in a while, we now hear a little voice say: “Put it on my list please!”
For our family, by taking out the words “want” and “need” (“I WANT THAT!” / “I NEED THAT!” ) and replacing them with the idea of a “wish list,” we feel we have managed to change how our children talk about gifts.
Consequently, by changing semantics, this phrase has helped the gifts they do get come across as less “expected” and in turn, gifts appear to have become more appreciated after received. From our perspective, our children seem to better understand the concept of:
“They can’t always get what they want.”
Just the “Tip of the Iceberg”
So technically our kids still want things. And my husband and I realize that in some ways they are still asking for things. I do understand that with this small change in semantics we have just hit the “tip of the iceberg” with our children’s “winter wants.”
Ultimately, we feel it has helped us to put gift giving and receiving in a perspective that a 3-year-old can better grasp, and it has better introduced the concept that asking for things is different then expecting things.
There are many other ways that families work to de-emphasize material possessions, to better emphasize compassion and gratitude, and to teach their children the difference between wants and needs.
- Attempting to limit our children’s exposure to advertising
- Involving our children in community outreach and giving
- Stressing the importance of please and thank you
- Modeling compassionate behavior and gratitude ourselves as parents
… All excellent ways to reinforce and build good values within our children. As my children grow, I find we use these other approaches more and more.
But for now, I’m OK if we hear “Put it on my list momma! … Please?!” Because, that is only the beginning of our children’s education on wants and needs. (And so much better than, “Momma! I WANT THAT NOW!”)
Unfortunately, we have not managed to apply this concept to “non-gift” items (Example: one more glass of milk?) in our house just yet. In some cases…
“You can’t always get what you want,
but if you whine sometimes, a kid just might find,
they get what they need…”
All in good stride… one thing at a time, right?
What works for you? Do you have issues with differentiating between wants and needs in your household? What small things do you do to help your kids recognize the difference between a want and a need?
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post. For those who are interested in the problems of excessive marketing to children I recommend the website of the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood - http://www.commercialfreechildhood.org. They have been very successful in influencing major corporations to make some important changes to the way they advertise to children. Familiar with the “nag factor”? Check it out. Karen
Thanks for the link to the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood Karen! I am sure some of our readers will appreciate it. Very appropriate for the post.
My ah-ha moment on distinguishing between want and need came at school shopping time. I hate to shop to begin with, and trying to keep to a budget while shopping with my teen and pre-teen girls was a challenge. One year, my shopping-loving sister very kindly offered to take my girls school shopping. That forced me to give each of my daughters a set amount to spend - and no hitting up auntie for more! They were allowed to spend their own money if they ran out of mine. This in turn forced them to think carefully about how much they spent on a pair of sneakers if they still wanted another pair of jeans, etc. What a difference. That expensive sweatshirt that everyone was wearing that year became a want and not a need. Having a limited pot to draw from made the distinction easier for them to see. They’ve grown up to be very savvy shoppers I must say!
I love the idea of having a “limited pot of money to draw from” Linda. I may have to try that out as my daughter (and sons!) get older! Thanks for sharing.
I think nowadays kids are growing up with this sort of “entitlement” mentality and are in for a rude awakening when they grow up.
I swore we weren’t going to spoil our child. That she’d never want (necessity wise) for anything but wouldn’t be handed everything either. That she’d learn to earn certain things because by doing so she’d learn to appreciate them more. I’ll admit though, it’s a fine line. Even for us as parents who see something she may like but doesn’t necessarily need.
When it’s close to her birthday and/or Christmas we tell her to put it on her list but may have to start adopting that approach year round. Trying to explain a need vs. a want to a five year old though is a daily struggle. Heck, even my husband and I still struggle with it from time-to-time
It is definitely a fine line Tatum! This holiday season my son wanted a DSIXL??? Apparently that is just a bigger and better version of the Nintendo DS? I told him over and over that he was very lucky just to have a DS (which we bought used last year at GameStop). He didn’t get his want, and I tried to explain that there was no need to have another DS when his other one still worked. But he still didn’t quite get it… It’s hard, but a good lesson and definitely not a necessity in our household to spend our money on.
P.S. My husband and I still struggle with want and need from time-to-time too