A couple months ago I was asked to envision:
“What would it look like if my kids were in charge?”
I concluded it might be helpful to interview my oldest daughter, during which I raised simple questions like: If her Dad and I left her in charge for the day when would she choose to go to bed, what would she have for meals, and how would she fill her day?
About midway through our conversation, I asked my 10-year-old if there was anything that she would be excited to do because Mom and Dad weren’t around? I guessed her answer might be to stay up late, or have her friends stay overnight. Yet her answer was so much simpler.
She merely wanted more freedom and the ability to make more of her own decisions.
For instance:
- She hoped to use our paddle boat (located on the small pond fully visible from nearly anywhere within our home) without needing me outside to watch.
- She wanted to be able to play in the neighbor’s backyard without first asking permission.
- She looked forward to riding her bike to the corner and back without consent.
As her verbal list continued, I slowly realized that these were not unreasonable requests for a responsible 10-year-old – even in a world where she was NOT in charge.
Loosening the Parental Reigns
When parenting, it can be difficult to know when rules need adjusting. Many times the oldest child does the legwork for the younger of the bunch. No one knows this better than myself – also an oldest child.
Growing up, I felt I had the tough job of seemingly “paving the way” for my younger siblings.
I struggled to access more freedom, acquire later curfews and establish more flexibility in my independence. Additionally, each time I successfully gained headway towards these liberties, it seemed my siblings were not too far behind. From my standpoint, time and time again they easily acquired freedoms at a much younger age – rights that took me what felt like eons to earn.
Now, as a parent of three children, I see these firstborn struggles in a new light.
As a mother, learning to let go, remembering to loosen the parental reigns and knowing when (especially with my oldest child) one is capable and ready for more responsibility is way more challenging than I ever expected.
Nothing has made me second-guess myself more than parenting my firstborn.
Disadvantages and Advantages of Being an Oldest Child
The responsibility of raising little ones into the adults of the future can be a heavy load to bear. However, it is my own experiences growing up which often help me move beyond my parenting insecurities when it comes to my oldest child.
I can now look back and see how my constant need to push for more individual freedom as an oldest child played a large role in molding my adult character and personality.
Growing up as an oldest child (among other things):
- I gained a solid understanding of how persistence can pay off.
- I learned reasoning is effective only if you have proof to back it up - requiring one to look at a problem and/or situation from all angles.
- I also noticed the positive effects of being a good role model for my siblings (and others).
It seems that being an oldest child helped me gain invaluable confidence and leadership skills, and these traits and skills have lingered. As an adult now:
- I don’t expect things to always be easy and I’m more persistent when tackling tough goals.
- I often make decisions only after examining multiple options from many different viewpoints.
- I am a strong believer in providing positive role models for my children and those I lead. (I’ve learned first hand that leading by example may be harder in the short run, yet is way more effective in the long run.)
As a firstborn, growing up I recall feeling as though my life was so much harder.
As an adult, I now see my birth order as a blessing in disguise.
I hope my daughter will eventually see it that way too, because one day she really will be “the one in charge”. It is my hope that maybe she too will recognize the benefits (and not just the disadvantages) that come with the responsibility and longing for just a little more freedom…
In the meantime, I may consider loosening her reigns a bit.
Well, maybe…
Leave a Comment: Do you think birth order played a role in establishing some of your own personal characteristics as an adult and a parent? How do you know when it is time to “loosen the reigns” on your growing child’s limits?
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
“As a mother, learning to let go, remembering to loosen the parental reigns and knowing when (especially with my oldest child) one is capable and ready for more responsibility is way more challenging than I ever expected.”
Couldn’t agree more with that statement!
For the record, my siblings acquired freedoms at a much younger age as well, What the heck. LOL
There are so many things that baffle and challenge me in parenting - but knowing when to loosen the reigns definitely IS the “biggest challenge” front runner. Glad to know others share this feeling. (Are you an oldest child too Tatum? I didn’t realize that!)
Oldest of five!