The National Association of Mothers’ Centers works to raise awareness and support of moms in every walk of life. Check out their upcoming event - the annual Mile for Mothers’ walk on Saturday, April 30th entitled “Walk a Mile in Mom’s Shoes” - my inspiration for this post!
So, I had a “mothering epiphany” the other day… bear with me as I explain.
That Feeling
Do you know that feeling that you get when (lets say) you finally have all your kids inside your van at the parking lot of the mall, you are about to leave for home and you suddenly think, “Where’s my purse?!”
You know, the same purse that has over $100 cash in it, your photo I.D. and ALL of your credit cards???
For an instant (that feels like a lifetime) you can’t move from the panic. Next, you start frantically checking everything in eyesight that could possibly be hiding the purse. And then…
RELIEF…
You catch a glimpse of your purse between the baby’s car seat and car door!
Have you had this feeling before?
Now, multiply this feeling times 100 and add a moment for your heart to stop beating… and THIS is the feeling I get when I think I have lost my child in a crowd. It is the worst. Feeling. EVER!
The Epiphany
The other day I was involved in a quick discussion about the difficulties of taking vacations with small children in tow. Watching three young children as you are visiting different “supposedly” family-friendly vacation destinations can be exhausting! Theme parks, water parks, even beaches all equal crowded areas in which kids could get “misplaced”.
photo © 2008 Dan Ox | more info (via: Wylio)
In this seemingly short conversation among moms about vacationing with kids, I had my own “ah-ha” (as Oprah Winfrey would call it!) moment. For the first time, I could understand the concept of a “child leash”… I KNOW, you’re probably thinking “huh?”… but let me explain.
Before I had kids, I remember being at the mall and seeing a mom with her two kids attached to her by a leash! I remember thinking “How COULD that mother walk around with her children leashed to her like animals?”
Even as a new mom, this concept of a child-leash just didn’t make sense to me. But, during this one conversation about vacationing with kids - being now at a point in my life where I was a mother of three children, all of various young ages - for the first time, I could see and understand the use of this seemingly ridiculous parent accessory in relation to the PANIC a mother feels when she momentary loses sight of her child in a crowded area.
Trusting your Own Judgment.
I’ve done it, we’ve all done it probably… made a judgment on another mom’s actions. Looking back, I most certainly passed judgment towards that mom in the mall with her children on a “leash.”
Every parenting decision I have to make is an ongoing struggle. And, as much as I know I shouldn’t, I often wonder what others think of my decisions. In an ideal world, other mothers - though they may not see eye to eye with my choices - would, at minimum, respect my decisions. I am continually reminding myself to respect other mothers’ choices, because this is how I hope these “other mothers” deal with my own decisions as a parent.
For instance, this year, my 8-year-old daughter has been invited to an abundance of slumber parties. After much discussion, my husband and I finally decided that we were not yet ready, nor did we think our daughter was ready, for slumber parties. Our compromise was allowing her to go to these parties and then picking her up at a designated time to sleep at home. No matter how confident we felt in this decision, as a mom, it was still very hard for me to feel confident when explaining this decision to other parents, all of whom had made a different decision.
Decisions are Personal
Whether you are judging others, or you are being the one judged, making a choice against the “general consensus” can make everyone feel self conscious. Each mom involved, wonders which decision is the correct one and whether she made a good choice. I find it is important for me to remember that decisions are personal. I have to learn to trust my own judgment and intuition while also remembering that my solution may not be the only reasonable and good solution.
Never Say Never
If there is anything that I have learned from my insignificantly small time as a parent, it is to never say never. Every parenting decision I make comes with a small cloud of doubt that it could be the wrong decision. There is always a “clause” attached to my choices that gives me the right to “change my mind.” Nevertheless, hard decisions have to be made everyday…
So, next time I start to judge another mother, I want to remember the “child-leash” scenario… because you can’t possibly know what another mother is going through, what decisions she needs to make, and what led her to her decisions, until you walk a mile in her shoes.
How do you feel when others judge your decisions as a mom? Do you ever second guess your choices? What are some difficult choices you had to make that went against the “norm” for your child? Please comment below and share your experiences!
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t think anybody should ever be judged, but judging a mom without being one, and so without having the most remote idea of the challenges a mom faces every single day, is a big no-no!
Agree! When I think back on how I passed judgment before I had kids on that mom in the mall I cringe! Now I try to use that experience as a way to deal with and understand others who might pass judgment on me and don’t have kids. Lesson Learned… IN A BIG WAY
You have to keep a sense of humor. On our street, all the kids play together and it can get a little wild outside. They range in age from 1 to 15 and there are about a dozen of them. Once, a disgruntled neighbor (who was not a parent) snarled at us, “Can’t you control your children?” Well, no! The mothers and fathers had to laugh, knowing that our kids are (sometimes infuriatiingly) independent, autonomous individuals, and whatever shreds of control we exercise are short-lived. Parents are doing their best. You don’t know what it’s like until you are the parent. (And this neighbor and his partner are pregnant now - we can’t wait for their epiphany!)
Ha! I LOVE watching others get this “epiphany” too Valerie… I really, TRULY believe that you can never tell someone what it’s like… they have to “get it” themselves in their own time. My own mom told me a similar story to your neighborhood story above of when she “got it”… I love that we can all almost pinpoint that moment when you understand a certain aspect of motherhood that you never “got” before. Thanks so much for sharing your story!
Kate you hit a nerve! i always made fun of those mom’s in malls with their kids on a leash. i would snarkily state “when i have kids, i am opting for the cordless models.” i changed this stance as soon as Eve became mobile. she can only have a 6″ stride, but she can MOTOR! now i totally get it. i totally understand why you’d have your kid attached to your hip.
this is a great post that presents a greater challenge.
Your ahead of the game Luke! It took me 3 kids to realize this point!
All so true! It’s hard not to judge - because I think we’re all so busy judging ourselves - after my first was born, I took a lot of credit for her behavior (delightful and not so delightful..) but after my second was born, and she was just so different in so many ways- I realized how much kids bring to the mix from the minute they’re born. It took a lot of pressure off - I have an impact - but I’m just molding what’s already there to be molded. it’s a really hard job- thanks Kate for speaking the truth!
How interesting… your RIGHT! We do all spend a lot of time judging ourselves… and a sure does take a lot of weight off our own shoulders when we stop judging ourselves and others. I never noticed how much weight until I just considered your comment and my response. Thanks for the insight!
Another great post. Sometimes mom world is just an extension of high school (where you’re either judging other people or worried about being judged). We walk our dog on a leash so he doesn’t run away and get hit by a car, not because we’re trying to “bind” him to us. If he were the type of dog (or he could get more mature/smarter like a kid) who could stay close to you while you walked, he’d be leash-less. Same as kids-if you think you need it, I don’t think they’re going to be traumatized. I hate to say it, but people do a lot worse things to kids, this doesn’t even rank up there! People need to chill out!
I keep looking for the “like” button on this blog! Such great comments and all so true! Thanks Kate L.!
Being a mother has helped me to (finally) see how judgemental I could be without even realizing! I somehow thought that being on the “right” or “righteous” side made it merely a thought, not a judgement.
I think it is also hard to look at another parent’s decisions that are very different from our own without viewing either of the choices as wrong. Perhaps “judging” the others’ choices is how we assure ourselves we have made the “right” ones?
What a great observation. Love the comment “I somehow thought that being on the “right” or “righteous” side made it merely a thought, not a judgement.” Great response!
Well put my friend!! I am really enjoying your blog and am proud to have known you personally for so many years! Keep the good work coming! Last week, the friend thing- TOTALLY RELATE! I found myself at Chick Fil A the other week meeting up for a play date for my daughter with a complete “stranger mom” that I only met thru an email after learning her kid was my daughters new BFF. We will do many things for our kids! This week, totally with you on the judging. I try really hard not to judge anyone for anything after becoming a mom. You are so much wiser when you become a mom, aren’t we??
I agree with your sleep over decision (not that you are needing anyones approval). My near 6 year old has only had the opportunity to have a cousin sleep over or sleep with us with a cousin in her room. I just think that our kids need something to look forward to when they get older! I never did those things until I was much older, I think that many things are for when you are older. Keep these great articles coming Kate!
So glad to find others who relate to my thoughts! Thanks Julie!
Oh yeah, I was one of those women or should I say girl also. I thought those “leashes” were so horrible. But that was way before I even thought about being a mom. Once of my friends gave me one that really did look like a leash, no stuffed animal attached when I watched her daughter. We went to the park with my son in a stroller & she walked with us the whole time in the city without it. I didn’t pass judgement on my friend but I still didn’t get it..THEN I had my 2nd son who took off down the sidewalk when I looked away for a second before they closed the st. on Memorial day. Of course, a mother of 5 had to catch my kid! I was sobbing, it was awful. He was only 1 1/2 yrs old. A few days later I saw the monkey backpack & bought it without a doubt. I used it a few weeks later at the Conn. aquarium & my son loved it. He could run & see everything. He doesn’t like the stroller like my 1st. (Being on LI now we don’t really use it much so he never got used to it). Long story still long - a young woman, maybe 20 made a comment when she saw my son. Saying “he will be scarred for life” etc. She didn’t say it directly to me but I said something back to her. Then cried cause I was still not 100% on board with it. But since then my curious child has gotten out of his school & our house. Your heart will stop and I don’t wish that feeling on anyone.
I SO feel your hurt when you talk about your experience with the young woman who made a comment about your “leash”. Mom’s have so much guilt (at least I do), and it is SO hard to add one more thing to it! Thanks for sharing. I hope that others read your comment and learn from your experience.
You are right about Never say Never. That is one of the first things I learned as a new mom. I feel really good about not judging other moms and doing what I feel is right for my son, but I do allow all the judging about me hurt too much and take it to heart when I should just let it wash away. The high school comment is perfect! Why must people be so judgmental?
I agree! Why must people be so judgmental?? You learn a lot about what not to do when others do things that hurt you. Thanks so much for your comment and feedback Holly!
Never say never is priceless. And Jessica’s comment that when she felt something was “right” she didn’t think of it as a judgment but just a “thought” gives insight into how to react when someone else gives us unsolicited advice or makes a judgment. We can’t control what others say but we can control how we take in their comment. And we can make sure we empathize with parents we see doing something different than we would do. I had lots of practice at my Mothers’ Center in responding to others’ stories with words like “I hear how frustrated you are that your son is having a temper tantrum.” rather than “Why are you letting your son scream like that?” I also have two very different children who showed me how much their temperaments and personalities affected how they behaved and how I needed to react differently to be an effective parent to each one. Great topic Kate. Thanks for the post that started this exchange.
“We can’t control what others say but we can control how we take in their comment.” This is wise advise! I definitely think judgment has as much to do with our thoughts as it does with the one doing the judging! What’s worse is that the same comment can often give off different impressions to different people based on the individual and how they “take” the comment. Thanks for the feedback and your impressions on the post Linda!
Great post. Reminds me of an article in Brain, Child magazine this month on “O.P.P.” = Other People’s Parenting. OPP influences us, whether we like it or not. Anytime I am going against what I believe to be the general consensus, I find myself rehearsing what I will say to explain my choice to other moms. For example, I don’t think I’m going to have a birthday party for my son when he turns one. But already I am rehearsing what I will say when/if other moms ask me about it!
Yes Abby! I find myself “rehearsing” a response also… But sometimes I also see that as just a part of my own personality too… I don’t like to be caught off guard, so I like to think of different scenarios and possibilities prior to saying something I know others might not agree with so I can react appropriately and not over-react. LOVE IT - O.P.P.! What a great acronym!
or wanna hear something better? my mom has stated out loud before how she doesn’t like when parents put their kids on leashes and that they “are not a dog”. but we have pictures of me when I was little on a family vacation and my parents had me on one of those leashes! and I even confronted my mom about that once when she was going on about her opinion of the kiddie leashes and they just said because they were afraid I would get kidnapped since we were in a place with a high crime rate. but still whether that’s just a quick cop out because they didn’t think I saw the pictures or true, pretty stupid to judge other parents about having their kids on those if you had yours on one. because other moms could have their reasons too or even the same so it’s like you’ve been there and you still judge lol.