I have a burning question. And I need some good advice.
Let me start from the beginning…
A couple days ago my 14-month-old son hit a milestone. He started to communicate using more than one word at a time!
“Awwl daa!” He exclaims, as he finishes eating…
Translation: “All Done!”
We have been working on this for a while… ever since he started throwing pitching his sippie cup like a baseball across the kitchen as an indication that he was most definitely ALL DONE. He has quite the “pitching arm” too!
Hmmm, maybe we have a future baseball star in sight!?!
And this, my friends, is what leads me to my crucial question.
Because… this is about the time when I started to come to the scary realization that eventually, ALL three of my children would likely be involved in extracurricular activities.
Just THINKING about this causes me to break into a sweat considering that already my 8-year-old:
- Plays soccer in the fall, winter and spring
- Takes piano lessons throughout the year
- Swims on a summer swim team
This may or may not sound like a lot to you, nevertheless for our family it has been somewhat manageable. However, it starts to get tricky when you multiply the above by three children:
- Three different soccer practices and three different soccer games (at minimum) each week
- Three piano lessons AND three kids practicing piano each day
- Three kids swimming at three different age levels throughout the summer
- AND the clincher… What if one decides to do a different activity instead?*
* This last thought occurred to me after my husband reminded me he’d signed my middle son up for spring T-ball!
It is all a little overwhelming to me when I think about it.
So here’s my question: When is enough, ENOUGH?
I LOVE that my daughter enjoys sports and likes music. I think many parents hope our kids are successful athletes and musicians (or successful at whatever other extracurricular activities they enjoy filling their time with).
But when do you say no, and what is too much – both for the child and the parent?
The Benefits and Challenges of a Busy Calendar
As a child I had my own fair share of activities. Looking back, I see almost all of them as positive experiences.
As a parent however, I am constantly thinking about how busy is too busy and whether I am spreading myself (and my children) too thin. There definitely are those days when we go from school, to activity to dinner to activity… then homework and bed.
Decisions are personal. I also believe each child (and parent) is an individual, and each child (and parent) has their own involvement tolerance level.
Nevertheless, although extracurricular activities can promote self-esteem, teamwork and leadership skills, they can also promote McDonald’s-on-the-go, homework after 9 p.m. and less than eight hours of sleep on a school night!
These days there are SO many options and diverse opportunities for our children. From various camps, to sports, to music – if you can think it, there most definitely is a program for it!
I often hear from other parents that they want their children to try as many activities as possible while they are young, so they’ll know what they want to focus on as they get older. In fact, having diverse experiences for my kids is one of our personal family goals… but with all these opportunities, isn’t there also the possibility of burnout and overexposure?
Am I an “Equal Opportunity” Mother?
Another thing that I now experience is the guilt associated with having multiple children.
Sometimes I feel like I am not giving my younger children the same opportunities as my oldest child. At age three my oldest daughter spent hours at our local JCC/YMCA taking:
- ballet
- mommy and me yoga
- swim lessons and more.
In comparison, at three-years-old, my second was LUCKY to take one session of swim lessons. And my third child… well, he isn’t even on the same chart.
Where to draw the Line? That’s my question.
Where should parent’s draw the line for their own mental health and the sanity of their child when it comes to extracurricular activities?
Every eight-year-old soon becomes nine, and then eventually… 19. Time keeps ticking… (and let’s not forget that I have a major-league-bound-pitcher coming my way too!)
When should I say (as my 1-year-old now does) “Awwl daa!?!”
Leave a Comment: What choices have you made with it comes to your child(ren)’s extracurricular activities? How do you find balance in your family’s activity schedule?
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post! While I only have 1 child so far, I’ve seen some good examples from other moms. My best friend from high school tells her boys they can play one sport each season. When it’s baseball, it’s a huge time suck b/c the games don’t have a clock governing them. My sister has her kids go to activities that are at the same time (like they both take tennis on a certain day), and she utilizes car-pooling with other families to get them to everything. It sounds overwhelming! When I was in high school I was in WAY too many activities (padding my college application, much?), but in college I focused on a few, and that really helped me focus on school, calm down and enjoy the activities I was in. Just some random thoughts!
OK, here is a thought to ponder… 1 sport per season definitely sounds doable… where I struggle is with the fact that a lot of sports don’t go by season any more! Gymnastics, Dance, Piano - even “typical” seasonal sports like soccer are now more year-round… In fact, for the soccer team that my daughter just started, you actually try out for it in the fall and are a team member all year! 1 kid = OK, 3 kids = ? Not so sure ???
Love carpooling… but even this can be difficult especially when a child is younger due to the car seat regulations which keep increasing the age and weight that you need to still be in a car seat. You can only IMAGINE
how liberating it is when you no longer are required to need a car seat for a child anymore!
Thanks for the Comment Kate!
Great post Kate! I understand your struggles and will have only 2/3 the headache that you will have when trying to find this balance since I only have 2 children. Let’s not forget to throw in the important “self” time and “couple” time that is necessary for sanity! This is probably why I have hired someone to clean my house. Time is a precious commodity, of which we do not have enough of. I don’t have an answer to your question, other than to say I will always encourage my kids to be involved in extracurricular activities, even if it is too much for ME. When it becomes too much for THEM, that’s when it will be time to cut back.
“I will always encourage my kids to be involved in extracurricular activities, even if it is too much for ME. When it becomes too much for THEM, that’s when it will be time to cut back.”
I tend to veer in this direction too Laura. I really see the benefits of extracurricular activities as outweighing the negatives and some of my struggles as an unofficial “taxi cab” driver for my kids. I think every so often you also have to do “inventory” of your priories and know that life priorities often change. My “crystal ball” (ha!) is telling me hiring someone to clean my house may be in my future too… It is all a juggling act.
Great post, as usual! As you know, I am practically in the same boat as you, maybe just a row or two back. I was thinking that summer vacation is a great time for kids to try more things. School’s out, they have more time and the days are longer. This gives them the opportunity to try a few different and new things, and then during the academic year they can narrow down their choices to one-three activities, depending on the child/family.
Yes, you would think Summer would be the perfect time! My problem with summer vacation is that I (and I do me I - me, myself and I! ;)) tend to want to take it easier with kids activities during this time of the year. I feel the need to “laz around” a bit more and not have to be driving everyone places. I also feel like we are so busy during the school year, that my kids want and need to relax more… BUT, I should consider one of the many great week long day camps around town that might really be fun for them too… Good point Barbara!
I let my girls try different things but insisted they at least learn to swim, learn to play one instrument and get involved in at least one extra-curricular activity in school. As long as they had the basic skill I was okay with their not continuing long term. If they lost interest in something, they had to finish their current commitment for the year or season and then we re-evaluated what they wanted to do next. Some years were crazier than others. And carpooling was a great time saver. I must say that when their softball days were over I missed connecting with the other parents on the stands.
Yes, connecting with other parents is definitely one of my more favorite parts of my children’s activities.
I also completely agree with the idea of having to finish something they choose to start. April M. made the comment below that often your kids will let you know when what their doing is too much. I think as a mom of younger kids, I don’t always think of simply asking them if what they are doing is enjoyable or if it is too much. But in asking, I also feel the need to make clear that they need to finish what they have committed to also. Excellent feedback. I LOVE learning from other moms 
They are my best resource!
Great blog as usual Kate! As a mom who has really started to get into the thick of the activities train now that I have 2 in school full time and 1 in pre-school, I can totally relate. I tell all my mom friends who can’t wait to get their kids into school so they have more “me time” are kidding themselves, because that’s when all the after-school activities kick in! We’ve always set a rule of thumb that our kids (all 3 of them) are allowed 3 out of school activities, but that also depends on the time of year and what else is going on at home & school. Generally that has worked out so far, and sometimes they don’t get into 3 activities, but it’s still crazy! Take tonight for example, they all have something to be at within 45 minutes of each other, one at swim lessons, one at soccer practice and one at a school event. I’m just one person and haven’t figured out how to clone myself yet (I’ll be a millionaire if I can figure that one out!), so it’s a challenge! I am ever thankful for the friends that we have that help us out and we are happy to do so in return! There is a happy medium, but it’s different for everyone!
Yes! The happy medium is definitely different for everyone! Just curious… what do you do if one of your children chooses an activity that happens to continually fall at the same time as another of your child’s activities? Or has this not happened yet? I find it hard as a parent to “let go” of being at every practice and event… or worse yet, having to choose between each child and their events because they happen to be at the same time… I know, I just need to get over this… and in time I’m sure it will work itself out.
So far we haven’t really run into too much of that kind of thing, tonight is the exception rather than the norm. Mostly because I try really hard not to do that. I feel it’s important for each kid to have an equal opportunity to have their time at something they enjoy doing, and sometimes that means the others get dragged along. If there’s something that one or more can do simutaneously at the same location (like swim lessons at the YMCA), I’ll try to do that, but it’s not always feasible. Now that I have one that’s older (11) I am starting to feel more comfortable leaving him at certain activities while I go do something else (usually go home to make dinner!), so some of that pressure is off and if he complains I simply remind him that he’s not the only one doing things and he had a lot of his/mom time when he was younger, and now it’s someone else’s turn. My husband and I are generally able to split up the responsibilities, which helps tremendously, but there are days where I am the only one driving the cab so to speak. It all works out somehow, you will get over the letting go part with time, trust me!
Like Barb, I like to take the summers to have the kids try out stuff they haven’t done before or something that’s not available any other time of the year. But I also am like you that I like having the luxury of having nothing to do too! It’s what summer is for!
Thanks for the feedback Julie!
As a mother of three I will tell you what I have learned. My oldest was into lots of activities as he got a little older he was able to figure out which activities he enjoyed the most and was not upset to give up other things. The middle child is into a couple different sports and quickly realized thats all he could handle and still do good in school. Now for the youngest, she is still trying to find her comfort zone. It does get a little overwhelming when everyone is doing something but we as mothers just do it. I think your kids will let you know when enough is enough weather it be by telling you, being cranky all the time or struggling in school. I DEFINITLY believe that your children need to know how to RELAX and be comfortable when there is nothing to do. For example, we are planning a beach vacation and we asked the kids what was the best thing about a beach vacation and they said “there is nothing to do but relax and do nothing”.
Yes! Great points! Relaxation is something we all need to remember April! I sometimes think I don’t give my kids enough credit… maybe they will be able to tell me when enough is enough for them?! With my oldest being only 8, I often forget to ask their opinion… but I am learning. Thank you for the reminder to ask! And thanks for the feedback!
HI Kate!
This article is true from begininning to end. It is so hard in today’s society to do it all, especially when the “art” of letting them play outside with neighborhood friends is almost nul and void anymore. Too many “creepy” people lurking due to what is publisized all over the daily news creates this scenario, in my opinion.
The alternative to healthy exercise is, organized sports, music, karate, etc. The younger ones get dragged around and it feels so unfair. However, we all do our BEST to raise our kids, at the end of the day we have that to go to bed with. You are an amazing mom and I love reading your articles!
Thanks so much Abby! I’m so glad that you enjoy the Mothers Central Blog Posts. It is just wonderful to be able to reflect on parenting questions and concerns that I have and also to get feedback and ideas for other moms out there! I will fight tooth and nail for the “art of letting them play outside” as you mentioned. I think that is also part of my concern with getting them too involved - that they won’t have enough time for much needed “unorganized” play. You are SO right! It’s true! At the end of the day we all do our BEST to raise our kids, at the end of the day we have that to go to bed with.
Thanks Kate! I struggle with this as well. I am not sure how this willl all shake out, but for now my policy is 1 activity at a time…easy for me to say with only a 2 and 4 year old.
Keep us posted on how it goes
It is SO hard to whittle down to one activity sometimes!
My 6 year old son has been really good at letting us know how much is enough. He goes to a performing arts class and karate and he says 2 is plenty for him. I think he was really struck with the thought of too many activities when he saw Fantasia 2000 - the scene where the girl was taken from dance class to piano class to tennis class to art class, etc., and all she wanted was time with her parents. From that time on he has been clear - just 2 activities, which is fine with me. I do have the same guilt that you mentioned about my second child. She is only 18 months, but sometimes I get worried that we aren’t taking her to baby gymnastics or Music Together, like we did with my son. I think she would enjoy it, but we are having trouble finding the time and energy ourselves, with two parents who work full time outside the home and my son’s activities. I’m not sure how we are going to do it. But I’m looking for other ways to save time - like planning out our meals for the month, complete with grocery shopping lists for each week so when Saturday rolls around I can just run to the store - the planning and lists are already done.
That is a fantastic idea Kelley! I too am looking at ways to cut down on my time on things like cleaning and cooking in order to have more time for the kids as our lives get busier! What are your thoughts about having a babysitter who runs your kids around to activities? I am always looking at work/life options as my own life continues to change. I really want to find a job that is more flexible in order to allow me time to work when it works for me. That way I can be available for after school activities as my kids move forward to all day at school.
I am not opposed to getting a babysitter who will take the kids to activities, especially if the timing doesn’t work out with work/commute, etc. But I guess I would try my best to hire out things that I didn’t want to do and I would prefer to take the kids to their activities. While it isn’t a lot of time with them, I get so little time on a daily basis that every moment seems pretty precious to me. That’s part of the reason that we have a cleaning service to come and clean the house for us. Hmm.. I wonder what else you could pay people to do? What about paying a babysitter to buy the groceries/run other errands while you take the kids around to the activities? I would be more interested in that.
Ha! Ha!
Love your comment:“Hmmm.. I wonder what else you could pay people to do? What about paying a babysitter to buy the groceries/run other errands while you take the kids around to the activities?” Money well spent! Especially if you were going to pay the sitter anyway! Good point Kelley!
Interesting to read since I live in Germany and found out about the posting via Facebook on my host-sisters account. Now my kids are 15 and 12 and when they were younger I always thought how great it would be to live in the US. I thought that like in my higschool year there in 1985/1986 American kids could take part in extracurricular activities organized by the kindergarden and school and it would not be their parents job to do all of it. Seems to me I was totally wrong. Nowadays here it is just about the same what it was like when I was a kid: Have your child do one sports and either play one instrument or do something else like painting or acting, so something creative. Luckily both of my kids are totally into rescue swimming which makes it easier, even though they practice three times a week the year round. And something might be different here: Since we have a lot of public transportation music lessons they nowadays go to by themselves, since they also ride the bus to school themselves. Also if they are involved in activities at church they can walk there. But I remember those times falling down on the sofa at ten o’clock at night almost instantly falling asleep because of having had no break since six o’clock in the morning. It is a lot better now - so maybe time will help when they will be more grown up.
Hi Gundrun! Thank you for your thoughts! I would absolutely love it if our public transportation was a bit more available. In my town, located in the Midwest United States, our public transportation options are seriously lacking! I lived for a short time in London, England and remember how great it was to be there and NEVER miss my car. What a great resource for a family! Thank you so much for sharing your perspective from Germany!
My eldest just started soccer and I’m coaching (silly me!), which has been wonderful for some much needed 1-on-1 time, but I’m really feeling the drag myself, and I can’t help but think I’m constantly pushing the clock for everyone.
I myself was in a million activities (sports and music), but not until junior high/high school, and my parents absolutely did NOT come to everything (3 kids, jobs, education for themselves). In high school, they came to even less, especially the “big” stuff, and I felt kind of left out and unimportant, so I think as they get older, just keep the communication lines open to see what they really care about and what they really want/need you to attend.
Kids start so much younger these days, and it’s definitely natural for me to want to throw my kids in everything because I do everything! Thankfully money prevents us from doing that a whole lot, so I tend to ask myself, do my kids really NEED to be doing all of that? Would that $100 be better spent on something else (a camping trip, perhaps)?
Piano, for instance - I taught myself how to read music with some books and one week of help every summer from my grandmother. Didn’t cost a dime, and I can play piano. Basketball I learned from my dad - didn’t officially play until Saturday Leagues started in late elementary school and stopped playing in high school because the coaches wanted us all to be “professionals” and I just enjoyed playing.
As a musician and an athlete “in life” (I still consider myself both), I find that true lessons/practices should be for honing skills and perhaps for developing team skills - honing skills is not really necessary unless you’re kid is going to be a professional (or really loves doing something), and team skills can be picked up on the playground. Basics you can learn and teach yourselves, as a parent - then you get some great family time, less car time, one-on-one time, self-education/improvement/exercise, etc. Even then, I have the ability to teach my daughter music (as well as school stuff, sports, etc) - I don’t, though, partially because I don’t have the time, partially because I incorporate learning into everyday living, and mostly because she doesn’t need to know any of that stuff for any reason right at this very moment! Our kids are socialized “on the field”, for sure, but at what expense? Do they need socializing literally all of the time? Maybe if they’re home-schooled.
An expanded topic of concern - bombarding our kids with stuff to do (including these things but also media, tv, computers, etc). At what point do our kids get to just think? My eldest (age 3) is fabulous in the car so we don’t bring much to do on long trips and if we do, we hide it until she asks for something and is obviously bored out of her mind (often several hours into the trip) - I’ve recently discovered that this thinking time is when she figures things out for herself and asks really good questions - for instance, familial relationships (grandma is your mom). I distinctly remember learning how to read (by myself) in the car on a long car trip because there was nothing else to do. So I’ve re-evaluated “boring”. Boring is not bad! Boring leads to problem solving, creativity, deep thinking, critical thinking, etc. - so much more important in my opinion than learning to not touch the soccer ball or this is “middle C” on the piano! All you have to do is try it once and see what happens - no one has ever died of being bored (I don’t think - I’m really bad at history!)
At some point I think you (although possibly someone else) may have mentioned moving out to the middle of nowhere just to stop it all, and I’ve had similar considerations. Someone else argued that then you’d just spend more time in the car going to everything
So no, I don’t have the answer as to when enough is enough, but I think constantly re-evaluating life is important. Your kids can’t do that very well, so I don’t think we should expect them to be able to say ‘that’s enough, mom, I just need time to think, relax, play with my brother, etc’ because they likely don’t see outside of the present moment.
Thanks Justin! What great feedback and ideas! I love the comment: “Boring is not bad! Boring leads to problem solving, creativity, deep thinking, critical thinking, etc.” I have never thought of it that way! What a great and profound statement in my opinion. Thanks so much for sharing… I hope other will read your comment too because there is so much to learn and think about from it!
Hey Kate! I just spent some time reading all of your lastest blogs (about 6 of them! I was behind!) and felt compelled to say -when you figure this one out PLEASE let me know! My oldest was in so many things at the Y from 6 months on- swimming, mommy & me classes, ballet, summer swim outdoors. Even events at the mall! Then there are the 2 year old twins, yet to take any organized event/class other than what I have organized during my summer break! Which is not much! My mother in law raised 3 sons and had the “1 sport per kid rule” because she did not want to be a taxi cab running around all the time…. to this day my husband (the oldest) was the only one that really had the rule stand and he likes to complain about it! I feel bad that the boys have not even had a swim class yet but I know that they are just as far along without it when we head to the pool. When to say When… WHAT A QUESTION!!
Thanks for the Commnet J. You should check out my comment conversation above with Kelley on this topic. One of the helpful solutions we discussed was - instead of hiring a sitter to take kids around to events - using that same money to hire someone to do your grocery shopping, house cleaning, etc. to open up that time to spend with your children. It was a great thought and a fun conversation. Check it out above!
P.S. I still don’t really know the answer to this questions, but I think it can be also VERY individual! Good luck! I’ll keep you posted if you promise to keep me posted too
It’s definitely a “wait and see” topic!
I see this post is close to a year old, but found it when looking up if it is healthy to allow my 4 year old to stretch herself so thin with her various activities. I am actually a mother of 5 children, with number 6 due beginning of July. My current children are aged 12, 11, 6, 4, and 9 months. My oldest was always one to want to try everything and with just his activities at one point I wondered how I would ever do it if my other children ever decided to do much. We did eventually sit him down and tell him to figure out his favorites. Currently my 12 year old does Spring and Fall Soccer, Basketball, Gymnastics, Then Robotics and Orchestra through school. My 11 year old is a bit more simple he also does the Spring and Fall Soccer and then Basketball. Luckily my husband coaches Soccer, so they are typically both on his same team and since he is the coach I am not usually doing much running around for that sport. My 6 year old son is in Dance, Gymnastics, and Cub Scouts…which somehow I got roped into being his den leader. My 4 year old is the one that seems incredibly young for all she does and wants to do. She is in Dance, Gymnastics, Cheerleading, and Baton Twirling. She wants to do sports too, but doesn’t meet the age requirement to start those until next fall. Then she can start Soccer, which she is dead set on adding. She just wants to do more and more, which is great that she wants to stay active, but I can’t help but wonder if I am allowing her to do too much, because she is so young. She actually gets upset on the days she does not have an activity to go to. I know at some point, as with my oldest son, we will have to make her choose what she wants to focus on, but even my oldest wasn’t busy like her until he was at least a few years older. He did start to get burnt out on things. My schedule is crazy, especially with hauling an infant around to everything and being pregnant on top of it. Fridays and Sundays are the only times I am not running kids around til all hours of the night. I am willing to make that part work to make my kids happy and allow them to be active. It definitely makes things interesting…when my husband is not traveling I am lucky that he will have dinner ready for us, because two days a week we are off to activities immediately after school, so I pack fruits, sandwiches, and snacks, but no time for actual dinner early those days. So I would be interested in any thoughts on when is too much at once for a 4 year old…all of her activities are full year activities if she chooses, and she wants to be in them, but is it a good idea to let her? Soccer and Basketball are our only seasonal activities, everything else is either all year or at least all school year.
Hi Melody. First off, congratulations on expecting another child. Three of my own children keep me plenty busy with all their activities, I can’t imagine doubling that! It sounds like you have been doing it somewhat successfully though. (Kudos to you!)
Currently, my children are now ages 3, 6 and 10. (Unbelievably I wrote this post nearly 2 years ago!) The youngest is still home with me and the older two are in 1st and 4th grade. We decided last year to limit each child to one activity (sporting related) at a time during the school year. Over the summer sometimes we adjust this. We also enroll each of our kids in a music related activity. Our oldest takes piano, and my 3 and 6 year old participate in a Kindermusik class. It is such a personal decision regarding how much is too much.
I would say a lot of it depends on the child’s personality and the parents ability to manage all of it. I personally found that when we forced the child to pick only one - it allowed my own children more free time to play with the neighborhood kids and made them realize that sometimes choices needed to be made and limits have to be set - even if you enjoy the things you have to limit. My 3-year old right now only participates in his music class. However he also has a speech issue and goes to speech therapy once a week along with attending a wonderful once-a-week children’s program at a local church. I’m happy with our 1 sport/1 music related limit. For our family it works
I can’t truly offer advice. I can only offer you what feels best for our family.
Good luck with your decision and thanks for adding to this conversation. I still post here once a week religiously - so maybe venture back again and see what we are discussing each week. I’d love your feedback