“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…
It has no survival value; rather is one of those things
that give value to survival.”
- C. S. Lewis
When you become a mom, your life changes. Your views of life change, your thought processes change and your priorities change. You never realize until after having kids a.) how much money you used to spend, b.) how much free time you used to have, and most importantly c.) the true value of a good nights rest!
One thing that shouldn’t change when you become a mom is the importance of friendships. Unfortunately I seriously struggled with this as a new mom. Figuring out how my friendships should fit into my life after I became a mother was NOT easy for me. In fact, my ideas of friendship evolved quite a bit over the years A.C. (After Children).
The Evolution of Friendship
OK, so let me take you on a year-by-year “growth” chart of my thoughts on friendship as I “matured” in motherhood.
B.C. - (Before Children)
“I think I will take this Friday off work to go visit my best friend in Chicago! Hmm… things are pretty busy at work, do you think they can manage at the office if I take Friday off? Heck, if I am taking Friday off, I might as well take Monday off too and make it a long “girls” weekend. Maybe we could hit the spa while we’re at it!?!”
RECAP: Work Hard, Play Hard, Friends Rock!
Year 1 A.C. (After Children): 1 Newborn
I am TOO busy and WAY TOO tired for friends! I have a husband, a baby, my work… I don’t have time for friends!
RECAP: Unavailable and exhausted. Friends? What are those?
Year 2 A.C. - 1 toddler
OK, maybe I could use a friend. It would be nice to have someone to take “stroller walks” with at the mall and toss around parenting ideas with. I need a bit of sanity and some understanding from a fellow mother.
RECAP: Life is a bit lonely, I think I might be ready to meet another mom.
Year 3 A.C. - 1 Preschooler and 1 “in the oven”
MY KID NEEDS FRIENDS!! Since your daughter is my daughter’s age, we should be friends!? Right?
RECAP: I meet friends through my kid… oh, and I don’t necessary have to personally have ANYTHING in common with them as long as our kids play well together.
Year 4 A.C. - 2 Kids (Preschooler & Baby)
OK, I found a friend. A REAL friend. She has kids the same age as me, our husbands like each other… I am done… I don’t need anymore friends.
RECAP: Too many friends and finding new friends are TOO much work. I’ll stick with one, thank you!
Year 5 A.C. - 2 Kids (Kindergartner & Toddler)
BOO! My ONE friend moved away!… Maybe I should consider letting more friends into my life? Wait, can I be friends with you even though our kids aren’t the same age and sex?
RECAP: OK, maybe there IS an advantage to having more than one friend?! And MAYBE I should expand my “friend network” to include others outside my normal scope?
Year 6 A.C. - 2 Kids and 1 “in the oven” (Elementary Age & Preschooler)
A mom is a mom is a mom is a friend! I don’t care what age your child is, whether you have a boy or girl, or even if I LIKE your child! I need friends who can support me and not judge me… I am too busy for YOUR drama. My 6-year-old gives me ENOUGH drama.
RECAP: Quantity does NOT equal quality, yet it is good to have a diversified “friend portfolio.” Note to self: Ignore drama.
Year 7 A.C. - 3 Kids (Elementary Age, Preschooler & Baby)
Life is busy, thank goodness for cell phones, Facebook, Twitter and texting! I don’t have all day, every day to keep up with my friends, but I still need them! Now more than ever! Once I start sleeping, stop nursing, and manage to get the house clean for more than 30 minutes, can we try for a “girls night out” again? It’s a good thing Year 6 A.C. saw an increase in my friend index!
Question: The more friends I began with, the higher my chances are that I will still have at least one left when I actually have time for them again. Right?
RECAP: Lets call this… “The Year of the Electronic Friend.”
Present Day: 3 Kids (2 Elementary Age, & 1 Toddler)
So balance is returning, or maybe I am just getting used to the chaos? One thing I know though, my life would not be nearly as rich, as diverse, and as fulfilled as it is now if it weren’t for all of my friends.
Diversity of friendship is key. For example, it’s nice to have friends with children similar in age to mine to share experiences with. On the other hand, it is just as nice to have a friend to talk to whose children are a bit older, to help (among other things) reassure me that all will be well. And of course, I LOVE to live vicariously through my friends without kids!
There are varying degrees and statuses of my friendships: close friends/casual acquaintances, new friends/old friends, family friends/individual friends.
They all have an impact on, leave an impression on and add value to my life. Just like our kids learn from our actions, I often find myself learning daily from my friends struggles and successes. It is SO important to surround ourselves with people that inspire us. And that is what I strive to do with my friendships… find lifelong inspiration.
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Share your “Friendship Evolution” with others! Did your friendships change after becoming a mother? In what ways? What things do you value about friendship and how do your friends impact your life as a parent?
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Kate…beautifully said. Dang we did look tired in that photo. I went to Ian’s T-ball practice the other night and Lily was hanging with her gal pals. I started to sit down in my chair to flip through a magazine while I waited for Ian to hit and panicked…I had no one to worry about or to entertain but myself. There is something said for the freedom that you eventually get back. I miss the days of my babies being little but I am loving their independence and getting mine back.
Thanks Monica! Sometimes I don’t feel like I tell my friends how special they are to me. I look forward to the time when I have a bit more freedom too… but it sure will be STRANGE and unusual to have that freedom! Time just flies by… it’s scary how fast things change as I spend time looking back on where I have come from.
I never knew that having kids would mean having to regroup in the friendship department. The biggest struggle for me has been losing friends who do not have kids or friends that have kids that are all grown up. I thought that since my child was the greatest thing that ever happend to me, my friends would think so too and want to be a part of his life and be supportive of my new role. But boy was I wrong! After almost a year now of realizing that it is OK, and that I don’t need to be hurt by their lack of caring or support, and feeling all alone, like you, I have found new moms to fulfill my son’s and my needs. Now, I just need my husband to realize that get togethers with friends are with families and not man time…….
The first child - for me - was the hardest… it was REALLY hard for me to re-adjust my past lifestyle and friends after such a life change as a new baby. One thing I have realized (now that it is 8 years later) is that sometimes you do reconnect with those “lost” friends… it just takes time and some re-adjustment. Thanks for your insight as a new mom! I think everyone remembers those times, but often don’t “fully” remember the hurt.
My friends have changed a lot based on moving. Now I’m trying to reach out and make new friends in a new place, which is somewhat challenging to do if you’re an introvert, let alone if you have a kid running around. It’s fun to meet new people though, and it’s also fun to reconnect with old, tried-and-true friends (like college friends who also have kids now and live a few hours away).
Thanks for your comment Kate! Moving definitely forces you to come out of your shell more if you want to find support and friendships. Think of it like a “great learning experience.” The more you reach out for friendships, the better you become at reaching out! That’s a great life lesson.
The April 2011 issue of Parents magazine has a big article about making “mom-friends.” Very timely!
I’ll have to check out the article! Just went to their website and found a couple different interesting articles on it! Thanks for the
heads up!
Great post Kate. There is a friendship adjustment period after you’ve become a mom. I’ve found I am closer to my friends who have kids that are around the age of my kids. We know what each other is going through and that gives us an extra bond that’s not there with my other friends who either do not have kids or have kids that are much older than mine.
I’m glad you wrote about this topic because it’s not often discussed among moms and can be a surprise to new moms. It’s one of those things that no one tells you about motherhood. It may even be that some moms don’t want to admit that the friendships have changed because they are now a mom.
Totally agree to your comment that “It’s one of those things that no one tells you about motherhood.” There are SO many things that no one tells you about motherhood isn’t there?!
Loved this article. I laughed numerous times and found it enlightening in many ways.
I take it you “relate” to one of the steps in my evolution ??!!
Isn’t it funny how your ideas can change? Live and learn… SO TRUE!
Hi Kate:
I found this post through Erin Meek. So very true. I can totally relate to so much of this. Thanks for sharing!!
We have a blog, http://www.ourcupsrunnethover.com. Would you ever consider guest posting this article for us? I really think our readers could relate!
So glad you enjoyed the post Dawn! Thanks so much for your comment! I’ll touch base privately with you regarding your idea of a guest post. Again, so glad you found the article helpful and fun!