My 5-year-old son has an intense obsession fixation on his father.
My husband and my son share many similarities, from their overall looks, to their mannerisms, to their likes and dislikes. Some similarities are inherited, and others are probably due to my son’s deep admiration for his father.
My husband is his son’s biggest fan, and in response, my son is my husbands ultimate fan.
So this is why, when the following conversation happens, I am uncertain who to believe:
Me: “No! You may NOT have another snack before bed!”
(You may remember that I have some issues with my son and snacks?)
5-year-old: “But daddy said so!?”
But daddy… Said… SO???
My response: “Yes, but mommy said NO!” Followed by a “don’t-push-it-too-much-further evil eye.”
From experience, I’ve found that I shouldn’t always trust that daddy actually said “yes.” Yet, on occasion, daddy does say yes to something I might have said no to.
What’s worse is that my kids always seem to recognize that if mom says no, it’s always “best” to also check in with dad.
Example #1: “Can I watch TV before bed?”
Mom: “No. Why don’t you grab a book?”
(It was one of those days, where I feel the TV’s been on too much.)
Dad: “Sure. Why don’t we go pick out a movie?”
(He hasn’t been home all day to realize how much the TV has been on already!)
Example #2: “Can I stay up late reading?”
Mom: “5 minutes more, then to bed”
(It’s late, and they need to be rested so we can have a fun, meltdown-free day tomorrow.)
Dad: “Sure. Another 45 minutes” >>> REALLY??
(Can you tell it’s been a long day for mom?)
My husband and I see eye to eye on many important parenting decisions. Yet we also can make more than our fair share of different parenting decisions.
Irritating and annoying? Sometimes.
Frustrating? (Especially when we contradict each other!) YES!
But I am much better in dealing with these parenting differences now - 8 years later - than I was in the beginning as a new mom.
Mother Knows Best - The Early Parenting Strategy
The other day I was reading an article titled “Leaving Baby with Dad: Why it’s so hard for me to share parenting” shared via Facebook by Valerie Young (the writer of the Policy Blog for the National Association of Mothers’ Center.)
It brought back memories of my control issues initial problems leaving my own baby at home under the sole care of my husband.
The primary reason behind my control issues not wanting to leave my daughter with my husband for a substantial length of time, was that he didn’t always do things the way I would.
- There was a right way (a.k.a. my way) to change a diaper.
- There was the best way (a.k.a. my way) to put a baby to sleep.
- And of course there was the only way (a.k.a. my way) to sooth a crying baby.
And when my husband would question the “right way,” I always replied back with a response along the lines of: “You don’t like it when people question your decisions while at your job do you?”
This is how I felt. Mothering was my full time job. This is what I do! How DARE he question or change the way I parent!
Yet, here in this statement lies my problem.
In trying to fulfill and learn my job as a mother, I wasn’t allowing my husband to completely fulfill and enjoy his job as a father.
By not sharing the responsibilities of our baby with my husband (a.k.a. being a control freak), my baby was starting to miss out on some of the unique things that my husband brought to the table as a father.
But Daddy Said So… Learning to Deal with the Differences.
So I began to relax a bit.
I began to accept, and in some ways embrace, our differences as parents.
I started to realize how much my husband was capable of and how much he could bring to the table as a father if I let him.
Nevertheless, this didn’t solve the fact that sometimes we still just don’t agree on how to parent.
For instance, whereas I deal with my sons “snack-asking” on a daily hourly basis, my husband, who is often working during the week days and arrives home later in the afternoon, doesn’t always feel the same built up frustration as I do with “administering” snacks.
And whereas I don’t want the kids staying up late reading because I am worried that they are going to be tired and cranky and hard to deal with the next day, he thinks: isn’t it great that they are so into reading?
And, you know what? He has a point!
Sometimes, my husband’s apparent “looseness” in a few of his parenting rules opens up my mind, making me a little more aware of my occasional unnecessary firmness as a parent.
- My husband really pushes my kids to explore their independence.
- He encourages them better than I to problem solve on their own.
- And he also is really good at telling them when they have done a good job, yet is not scared to let them know when he doesn’t feel that they’ve worked to their potential.
The more I think about it, learning to parent with my husband might be more about complementing each others parenting styles - not so much being mirror images of each other.
My husband and I work at communicating. We try to touch base with the important issues. But it doesn’t always happen. Let’s face it, no two people are going to parent completely alike. Period.
Yet maybe some parenting differences are good. And maybe, just maybe… I should break down and consider giving my kids a few more snacks…
… Nah! Mother definitely knows best on this one! (wink!)
Leave a Comment. What do you think? In what way does your partner parent differently than yourself and how do you deal with these parenting differences?
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Love starting my day reading a Kate blog:) You are doing such a great job with all of these posts! I have to say I totally get all of your points in this one. I have/had some control issues and think of the mom role as my “job” and I like it to run my way! I had learned over the years as well that although the hubby doesn’t always do things my way, it still gets done:)
“It still gets done.” < Those are the key words. It definitely took me years to fully relax to this idea though! Thanks for your comment Julie and your kind words.
Great post-you could write about 20 more I bet, just based on this 1 topic! When my daughter was born I worked while my husband watched her and went to school, and I definitely had control issues. But he got the job done and did a great job, even if it was a little different than how I would do it. Of course there’s some stuff we disagree on, but he definitely gives her more independence (in a good way) and is strong in areas where I’m weak, and vice versa. A good combo!
A good combo! Strength in areas you are week in and independence
Wonderful combination!! A good partner is SUCH a blessing!
Oh, Kate! I completely relate. Here we deal with the phenomenon of “Daddy Time”. That, basically, means that everything is pushed back a good 45 minutes to full hour. Meals, snacks, bedtime. I’ve learned not to stress about it. “Daddy Time” only occurs when I’m not home. So what does it matter anyway?
I love your posts. So funny and so applicable to my mommy life!
Glad you enjoyed the post Susie! Yes, “Daddy Time” in our house tends to mean a more “extended” schedule
too. Yet, as they always say, better late then never!?
Kate, reading this post has touched my heart. My husband and I went through this same thing from the moment we became parents and we didn’t really begin to understand it until our second daughter was 1.5 years old. I regret those three years when I tried to do it all my way. Then we talked and I realized that my husband’s way is also the right way. That neither of us are 100% correct or perfect. And I also realized that my husband, who was working from 5a.m. until 7p.m. every day in D.C. for the military would want to “have fun” with our daughters when he came home. It was hard on him to come home and have to help discipline them to do bath time and go to bed on time. And on the weekends, when I was exhausted and wanted to rest, I didn’t understand why he wanted to take us on outings even if it meant the kids were overly tired. But then I realized he missed us and missed sharing the fun moments with us during the day when he was at work all day. Now we balance it all a lot better, but whew, it took a long time for us to figure it out!
Kim, and that is the key that I often overlooked - that the Dad’s miss the kids too! A concept so easy and understandable, yet it took me so long to really “see” and understand this. Sometimes I have to put myself in check to really notice that I might not be the only parent struggling or dealing with challenges. Thanks again for sharing your story here at Mothers Central blog!
Another topic I can totally relate too!
I have had to fight my “control” issues when it comes to leaving my child with my husband as well. Not because he isn’t FULLY capable of caring for her but because as you so eloquently put…”In trying to fulfill and learn my job as a mother, I wasn’t allowing my husband to completely fulfill and enjoy his job as a father. By not sharing the responsibilities of our baby with my husband (a.k.a. being a control freak), my baby was starting to miss out on some of the unique things that my husband brought to the table as a father.”
Just because we do things differently doesn’t mean one of us is right and the other wrong. I think we do a fairly decent job of balancing one another out. Though I’ll admit it’s a work-in-progress
It’s a continual work in progress! Isn’t it? But that initial “ah ha” moment when you realize that your husband can do it and is learning to be a parent just like you are, is so significant. And it took me way to long to realize how capable my husband really is! Thanks for your comment Tatum.
Oh I loved this post. I like a mom who is “big enough” to get that at times the dad does it right (just so long as he gets the same thing about her, too!) Lots of moms disempower their husbands - anyway loved that photo of him and your son. Precious.
(-:
Yes! It definitely needs to be a two-way street in my book
Just getting caught up on blog reading…
Different ways to get things done can be acceptable and your partner’s way “allowed” (usually!). A diaper gets changed, somehow. Kids get to bed, eventually. A wrong snack at the wrong time won’t hurt much in the long run, and sometimes is exactly what is needed after a particularly fun or challenging day! Then things change. What’s the best way in dealing with broken curfews, broken hearts, horrible boyfirends/girlfriends, problems with friends, giving of responsibility, teaching driving, choosing colleges, helping your child balance home, sports, family, friends, church?! In these cases it becomes more crucial for parents to be consistent. It’s not a being capable at “doing things”, it truly reflects who you are, what drives you, what your vision is for your child and how to get there.
The consequences of how we parent begins to have profound influences on our kid’s perspectives of themselves, their friends-of their very lives. The way we want to parent during the teen years reflects so much of our own issues—good or bad. It is easy to feel pulled in and think of our own memories and lose perspective of what is best for our child, so it is important for both parents to see the whole dynamic- what is going on with the teen and well as what’s driving or effecting your partner! Although this is a time when families get super busy, we found that it is important to make time with each other to talk about the kids, in addition to your normal date time. Communication and respect for your partner and your teen is key. (Kate-I only have one teen left, with only one year left at living at home—I call this my year of doubt. Did we do everything right? Do we have time to influence those things we did wrong? Look out world-here he comes, sorry? or Look out world, here he comes, you’re welcome!)
What an exceptional comment Sheila! You were able to share so many insights towards what’s to come for us mothers with young children who are not yet at this point. What really captured my attention was your final comment about it being your “Year of doubt.” I can see how this “doubt” could be a challenge, and also a very scary point in a parent’s life.
Communication and respect are key elements it seems - with both your partner and children.
I may just have to explore this topic further. Thank you SO much for sharing your perspective and wisdom with myself and the other moms who are reading!