Shhhh…
Don’t tell anyone!
Promise?
OK. Here it is…
I have some insecurities as a mom…
There.
I got it out.
Even if only in a whisper.
I said it.
Being confident in my roll as a parent is hard.
Mission Impossible
Your Mission (as a mom), if you choose to accept it, is:
>>> To look like you know what you’re doing. At all times.
—
“Slow Down! No Running! Wait for mommy!” And then a few seconds later, “Please?!?”
This is the daily confirmation to all the lifeguards and other parents that our family has arrived at the pool.
I try not to be too loud. I try not to sound too embarrassed. I even work REALLY hard to remember the timid “pleeezee?” at the end of my demands so I at least sound somewhat polite.
But what does everyone think of us as we crowd into the pool with our 1 big stroller, 2 large noodles, 3 kids and a bunch of bags? Do I look as frazzled as I feel?
Do I look like I know what I’m doing? At all times?
Umm… probably NOT.
Top Secret, Mom-Only, Child Mind-Control
Techniques That Aren’t Working
No matter how hard I try, I have begun to realize that I only have so much control over what my children do in public.
I do my best to model the behavior expectations that I hope my children will follow. But complete control over their minds actions… this is a top secret parenting strategy that I am not privy to. Because, as we all probably know, children have minds of their own.
For instance, while working in my home office the other day, my mission to “look-like-I-know-what-I’m-doing-at-all-times” was compromised as my tearful middle child was brought in to me by my distraught babysitter.
“Is he hurt?” I question the sitter and then part jokingly ask, “Should I call 911?” (Because, very rarely have I ever seen my son quite this upset.)
As it turns out, it wasn’t a 911 emergency… at least not for my son… though, maybe for the neighbor boy that he … BIT!
Biting? Of course he was hysterical at this point! My 5-year-old son knew without a doubt that biting is NOT acceptable. Ever. We managed to get through his first 5 years of life without EVER having him bite another playmate. Biting?!? That’s something kids do at age 2. But at age 5?
To repeat, I do my best to model the behaviors that I hope my children will have. With that being said, I can tell you with complete confidence that I have never bitten anyone. Apparently, modeling behaviors only goes so far.
I have some insecurities as a mom…
And again, those motherly insecurities start to come out, as I reluctantly phone the neighbors to inform them of the bit marks my 5-year-old son left behind on their 9-year-old’s arm.
I try to convince myself that my neighbors know me… that they know that I am good at teaching my children right from wrong. That they KNOW I am a good parent.
Nevertheless, secretly inside, I feel that my son’s actions (which he was extremely embarrassed by and sorry about) reflect on my own skills as a parent.
I have some insecurities as a mom…
And I begin to wish that I had top level “parenting security clearance” to some of the above alluded to child mind-control techniques.
This Mission Will Self Destruct in 3 - 2 - 1 …
Why do we as parents take on this baggage of responsibility for all our kids’ actions? Is it something we even should take on? Are we ultimately responsible for our children’s behaviors? Is the idea of “looking like we know what we are doing” a means to “self destruction” and even more mothering insecurities?
—
We are back at the pool again… I’ve managed to successfully reach my destination, fulfill my mission responsibilities and am nearing mission completion towards a successful day of swimming.
As I start to pack up our pool gear I give the kids their last warning.
“Five more minutes! Then we are leaving to go home!” I inform them.
Five minutes pass and it’s time to leave.
1 Stroller, 2 large noodles, 3 kids and a bunch of bags loaded up and walking out the same pool gate we entered.
Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Is it really that important??
Yes, I have some insecurities as a mom… but behind all the insecurities is a little voice - my voice of reason - informing me that more important than our children’s actions are what they learn from their actions.
Yet,
I still have some insecurities as a mom… don’t we all?
Leave a comment to share with other moms. How do you deal with parenting insecurities? Have you ever felt “all eyes on you” as you work hard to “look like you know what you are doing as a mom?” How do you keep your parenting confidence when your children do something that is not reflective of the type of behavior you expect of them?
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh I know exactly what you mean. I can feel like I know what I’m doing and then 5 seconds later something happens to put me in my place.
It’s probably good to be “put in place?” You think??? Maybe it helps us as parents stay on solid ground? I get “put into place” more often then I would like to admit though!
As long as you get them through the day somewhat safely, you’re a success!
That’s a good motto Kate! >>> “As long as you get them through the day somewhat safely, you’re a success!”
Great topic Kate. You post is right on target. It also brings up other issues for me about the balance between what is your responsibility as a parent and what is your child’s responsibility. This extends beyond behavior issues to homework assignments including those dreaded science projects! But that’s a topic for another blog.
Yes Linda… we have started to experience those “dreaded science projects…” during the school year too. Probably not to the extent as we will in the future - but nevertheless, we’ve had a good “introduction” to parent-completed-projects! I still don’t always feel like I have a good grasp on balancing parent/child responsibility… this is something I may have to delve into again on another post?
Wow, did I relate to this blog!
Just when I think I’ve got this parenting thing down I’m firmly reminded I don’t. I have a sinking feeling that more times than not I look as frazzled as I feel
I’ve only been a Mom for five years, and some days I am flying by the seat of my pants and just trying to make it through the day!
When I’m having an off day I try to remember a moment I had with my daughter last year. Strapping her into her car seat one CRAZY morning she cupped my cheek and said, “You’re a good Mommy!” I smiled and said, “Aww, thanks baby I’m trying my best!” Isn’t that what all Mom’s are doing?
While it’s true I don’t want to be perceived as “that Mom” after she said that I realized the only person’s opinion that really matters is hers
Isn’t it great to get positive feedback from your little one? Especially because they typically aren’t saying it to please you. You know that when they say something like “You’re a good Mommy!” that they mean it from the bottom of their heart. It is the best feeling and the best way to be reminded of the important role you play in your kids lives.
This post has ME written all over it. As I am dealing with missing my out of the house, on his own, in school, very mature 21 year old; my sometimes shy sometimes definitely not so shy 16 year old and my very opinionated 7 year old who thinks he is the boss of me, I feel like the cat is now out of the bag and I can exhale because I am not the only one.
Thanks for sharing this.
So glad you enjoyed the post and related well to it!
This is such a great topic, Kate. I have been thinking about this since I first read it last week…it is something VERY much on my mind on a daily basis right now!
It really is so hard to know how much responsibility to take/feel for their behavior, and, for me at least, the more stressed and frazzled I feel about it, the worse I seem to handle the situation (not good!). In our current situation there are so many factors that have lead to me feeling more pressure to be in control at all times, which is impossible(!!), combined with as many factors (traveling, out of their typical routines, etc.) that lead to a super-high probability that my kids’ behavior will not be perfect! Temporarily living in an apartment (where I fear all the surrounding neighbors can hear every whine, obnoxious scream, and my sometimes-poor reactions), being in another country (where I feel like it’s my duty to go against any potential negative stereotypes about Americans and their kids), and being around people who are “hotshots” or “bigwigs” in my husbands’ field and wanting to always make a good impression on them. Phew! I really do need to let go of feeling like I need to be in control all of the time, don’t I?!!
I just have to do my best, right? And give them a break, and myself a break…
By the way, though, you do always look like you know what you’re doing to me !
This statement of yours really spoke to me:
This always bugs me… when you realize you have just lost your cool (a.k.a. what you referred to as “sometimes-poor reactions”) and then you realize that your windows are WIDE open. I’ve started to look at these as learning opportunities myself. I know I work really hard to be the best mom I can be. So now, when I unintentionally overhear other peoples “sometimes-poor reactions” I am WAY less likely to judge.
Thanks for your comment Sara!
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