Note: On Tuesday, January 24th, the National Association of Mothers’ Centers will be hosting a webinar as part of their Parenting and Family Webinar Series entitled: Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity: Navigating the Challenges for Parents, Teachers and Others. This upcoming webinar, in part, inspired me to talk about my personal experiences with gender stereotypes and parental expectations.
“It’s a… GIRL!”
Those were the first words I heard after working harder than I have ever worked in my entire life EVER to deliver my first child.
And the tears streamed down my face. Tears of joy. Tears of happiness. Tears of relief that my baby was seemingly heathy and… A GIRL!
A daughter! The excitement rushed through my body as I began to feel reassured about my newfound motherhood. My husband and I had chosen not to find out the sex of our 1st child prior to her birth, but secretly I realized I had hoped for a girl…
It’s a girl… I’m a girl… (not to restate the obvious but…) I know a little something about girls! (Right?) And instantly in my mind I felt more comfortable as a new mother.
As I held my daughter in my arms that first night of her life I envisioned our future as a mother and daughter. I idyllically pictured things like mother-daughter shopping trips, mani/pedi outings together, and the sharing of our wardrobe - all things I loved to do with my own mother, sisters and girl friends. Some day, my daughter and I would do all those things I loved together…
That night - the first night of my daughters life, and my first night of motherhood - strangely, it never occurred to me that my ideas might not always be a reflection of my daughter’s ideas.
Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend?
You may remember that I used to be very into fashion. And then, nearly 10 years ago, when I found out I was pregnant with my first child, this fashion addiction abruptly stopped when I discovered maternity clothes.
Oversized sweaters, horribly unfashionable jeans (that were never long enough for my 5′-9 1/2″ stature), and sweat outfits that made me feel 10x larger then I really was! Need I say more?
So it is not a surprise that, after the birth of my daughter (and gaining over 80 pounds during pregnancy) fashion and I…
We had a falling out.
Because clothes, well they just didn’t fit me the same way as they had pre-pregnancy and pre-motherhood. And it was about this exact same time that I found my new obsession with jewelry and accessories.
Fun, colorful, character-filling accessories like earrings, bracelets, necklaces, belts, scarves, rings, purses and shoes - there was one thing all these accessories had in common: the ever adjusting size of my waistline and chest (due to the 7 years of pregnancies and on-and-off nursing that I endured) was in no way, shape or form affected by these embellishments.
The “fashionista” in me could make ANY dull, drab outfit feel in vogue and stylish just by adding a little “bling” to it!
My point is: I LOVED (and still love) to accessorize.
Now, fast-forward years later as my daughter (my only daughter) was beginning to hit an age where my dreams of shopping, painting each other’s nails, and sharing wardrobes (or at least sharing jewelry!) could finally begin to become a reality, and I’ve found it incredibly frustrating that my daughter, (my only daughter)…
Wants absolutely nothing - N.O.T.H.I.N.G. - to do with jewelry, accessories, shoes or even a hair clip.
Furthermore, my daughter has determined that her favorite color is blue, she loves to play soccer, and she really could care less about princesses or baby dolls.
Yep. My daughter is not one bit a “girly girl” (as you often hear people describe it). Not. One. Bit. And my love of fashion and accessories certainly must have skipped a generation with my daughter.
The Rise and Fall of Expectations
Needless to say, my daughter’s adverse reactions to accessorizing and many other stereotypical “girl things,” marked the beginning of the end of my naive and idyllic expectations of my life as a mother to a girl.
I will admit, that it took me a short time to get over this - during which we had a couple all-out battles with tears shed about such things as:
- Wearing tights and dresses to church
- Putting on a necklace for a family photo
- Letting me paint her toenails during the summer months
And this last, which I lovingly refer to as the “Battle of the Pedicure,” is when it really, truly hit me. (Better late then never, right?)
What I liked, wasn’t necessarily always going to be what my daughter liked.
Maybe, like mother/like daughter need not always apply?
Why was I arguing with her over seemingly insignificant things when what I love about her has absolutely nothing to do with jewelry, the color pink, or any over-priced princess doll out there?
I love that my daughter is empathetic.
I love that my daughter is an amazing big sister.
I love that my daughter is independent and self motivated.
My daughter is…
Extraodinary.
And she is SO. Much. More then just a girl who doesn’t share my love of accessories.
My daughter and I, then and now.
Through our differences, my daughter has shown me that I need to better recognize that children are born as their own, unique individuals. And, as parents, even though we may not share the same likes and dislikes as them, there will always be one thing that we hopefully do share…
Our lives.
Because, I will always want to be a part of my daughters life, always.
Whether it is or is not through mother-daughter shopping trips is yet to be determined (Ok, so that probably is not going to happen but, I think I’m OK with that. Wait, NO, I’m more than OK with that…)
So watch out world, because…
“It’s a girl!”
Not just any girl… It’s my girl.
Leave a Comment. Did you come into parenting having certain gender expectations as a mother to a girl or a boy? What differences do your children have from you that took you by surprise?
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Want to switch daughters for a day? I’m a tomboy, and Eve is WAY into dresses, jewelry, etc. Maybe that’ll change as she gets older, but we’ll see. I think it was meant to be for me to have her.
It crazy how our kids can open our eyes to other ways… In retrospect, we are lucky Kate! We have daughters that push us to see a different perspective. Right? (Will you continue to remind me of this on those days when I forget this point???)
I think this is one of the most important things we can do as parents - recognize our children for the individuals they are, and not who we think they should be or project our selves onto them.
Very well put, Kate!
It definitely is one the most important things we can do as parents Missy. With that being said it can also be one of the hardest. For me, letting go of what I wanted for what was more natural for my daughter - was by far one of the best things I could have ever done.