What would I be when I grew up?
Such a profound question to ask at around age 10. Yet I have strong memories of a childhood friend and I sitting together one sunny, summer afternoon, imagining what we wanted to be when we grew up.
A Young "Fashionable" Me. (Or so I thought!?)
It was the mid 80′s and my girl friend and I had high aspirations.
My friend decided that she wanted to be the 1st woman President of the United States, and I…
… well I was going to be her fashion designer - The President’s fashion designer!
Shoulder pads, stirrup pants & jeans with zippers up the legs.
Plastic charm necklaces, leg-warmers, and scrunch socks.
Jelly shoes, French-rolled pants and crazy bright colors.
These are what I thought were the “cool” things to wear when I was growing up. And I had decided that I would design them!
A Day in the Life of a Pint-size Fashion Designer
“Growing up” seemed SO far away when I was little. In my young, pre-teen head I had for-EVER until I was “grown up.”
A fashion designer (to the president of course!) seemed like the ideal job for me! And throughout the summer, I worked hard at honing in on my “fashion” skills.
- I drew “mock-ups” of my latest collections in my sketchbook.
- I would hold “fashion shows” at our neighborhood pool where I would dress up my models (a.k.a. siblings and willing
victimsfriends) in various beach towel concoctions. - And I would scour any fashion magazine I could get my hands on looking for the latest “fashionable” trends.
I was somewhat obsessed with what others were wearing, especially the girls in the fashion magazines and catalogs.
And in turn this obsession is why I worry today.
Because fashion is not what it used to be. And I now have an 8 year old daughter.
An 8-year-old daughter who isn’t yet interested in clothes, but is surrounded by images of little girls dressing and posing like tiny adults (such as the link above shows).
What goes through my daughter’s mind when she looks at these images? Does she even notice the somewhat provocative pose in the ad linked to above? Probably not yet… but she is growing up so quickly.
The Controversy of Beauty
Influence is something I think much more about as an adult (and as a parent) than I ever did as a child.
I try to influence my daughter to have confidence and a good self image. Yet there has always been and will always be some factors that I just don’t have control over as a parent. And as much as I sometimes want to keep my kids in a “bubble,” I know that I can’t (and probably shouldn’t!).
There has always been some controversy surrounding beauty and art. As an art lover, a trained graphic artist, and a former “pint-sized fashion connoisseur,” I have a great appreciation for the human body and all its beauty. Yet… as a mother I sometimes struggle with this appreciation.
For instance:
The other day, my husband and I took our two school-aged children to the mall, because… well… it’s that time again. (You know: school supplies, school clothes, everything back-to-school?)
We were in hunt for the perfect backpacks when we entered the mall and ran smack-dab into a larger-than-life billboard ad for a chain store that sells undergarments and casual wear targeting girls ages 15-21. The ad showed a girl (who to me looked no older than 14) posing like a lingerie-clad Victoria’s Secret model to introduce a new push-up bra that claimed to add 2 cup sizes!?!?!?
Can I repeat the fact that this store specifically targets girls ages 15-21?
My daughter will be entering 3rd grade, and I’ve been contemplating when I should talk to her about bras. But what I envisioned introducing my daughter to a little later in life was NOT this type of bra.
Yet these are the images that she’s seeing on young girls - models not too much older than her - as she walks through our mall?
“Fashionably Cool”
I long ago decided against the profession of “fashion designer to the president.”
Although, my summer obsession with fashion ultimately helped to direct me towards a career focused more on creativity in the form of graphic design.
Every experience I had as a child in some way molded and shaped what I became as an adult.
We enter parenting with no experience. We do the best we can to raise our children, and we try to understand that there are many different parenting techniques that work well for many different families.
We each have our different views on what is “fashionable.” Yet, the pint-sized fashion designer in me still struggles with these images of children in ads as described above…
Because…
I remember too vividly how much I was affected by the images I saw when I was a pre-teen, wanna-be-fashion-designer to the President.
I remember too clearly how I mimicked what I saw others wearing and added them to my “10-year-old fashion files”… because I thought it was the “cool thing.”
And I’m just waiting for the day that I am certain will come sooner than later when I cringe as my daughter says to me:
“But mooommmm! EVERYONE is wearing this! It’s the ‘IN’ thing!”
What do you think? Will our daughters be influenced by these images as they grow? Is the sexualized media images of girls that are out there today something that will effect our daughters (and sons!) as they enter adolescence? Or am I just over-reacting?
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I definitely think you have the right approach, to talk with her. My four-year-old watched a Barbie movie about fashion design awhile back, and since then she says she wants to be a fashion designer when she grows up (among other things) and loves to assemble outfits with her two-year-old sister in tow. I’m so glad she hasn’t become aware of billboards, catalogs, advertisements yet, because it shocks me how young some of the girls are and how little clothing they have on. Or even the clothing they do have one and what it suggests. I am going to try being as honest and open with my daughters as possible.
I don’t know why, but when I was growing up I didn’t get into the fad and fashion of clothes like my friends. I think I was just too much of an old soul, or too serious, or too shy, and didn’t want people to notice me, so I wore clothes that made me into kind of a wallflower. I don’t think my oldest daughter will be like that, so it will be interesting to see how I handle her desire of clothes and fashion as she grows up.
I just don’t want my daughters to get swept away in thinking they have to beautify their outward appearance to be thought of as beautiful.
Yes Kim! I loved your comment:
On the opposite end of the wheel is the response another reader gave about how our “well-intended goal to keep our children shielded from exploitation may inadvertently results in insecurities or shame.”
There has to be a happy medium? And communication and openness has got to be a key part of finding that “happy medium” with your child. I look forward to continued conversations on this topic and hope to get more comments to hear others thoughts too. Thank you for sharing your insights!
Great post Kate, and you know I’m in the same boat as you! And of course my 3rd grader wants to also be a fashion designer (but not to the president haha)! I think our goal as parents should be two-fold. Not only to teach our children what is and isn’t appropriate but to also teach them to be secure, confident and comfortable with their bodies and the changes they will see. I think often times our well-intended goal to keep our children shielded from exploitation inadvertently results in insecurities or shame. There has to be a balance and finding it sure can be difficult!
I agree Kim! It is so hard to balance good intentions with what could also result in misplaced bodily insecurities and shame. Where should the line be drawn? I just don’t know… Because personally, I am OK with my child occasionally seeing an adult in an ad for undergarments - but where I flounder and struggle with is when I see my daughter seeing kids posing like adults in these situations.
I’m so glad you are participating in the conversation Kim! Thanks for your input!
I think that, as with everything in parenting, we have to help our children find a balance…and I think we do this by finding that balance for ourselves. I am sure that we will all hear that infamous “But Moooommmm…” quote at one time or another, and it is in this moment that we must decide where the boundaries for our children lie. Whenever I talk to people who are overwhelmed with issues concerning “the state of the world” and how it’s affecting our children, I can’t help but think about the generations that have come before us and how they must have fretted over similar things…things that we look back at now and think are mild. We all survived these influences…and I think it’s because our parents were able to teach us balance (between following the crowd and being our own person)…they taught us self respect, which I think we all know is the key, and is a tool that will help our children set good boundaries in their lives.
So true that generations that have come before have had some of the same issues Angie, I think about that often… (one of the reasons for my concluding statement of: “or am I just overreacting?”)
And I agree, that the key word IS self respect. The other statement I love about your response is what you said on respect and how it is: a tool that will help our children set good boundaries in their lives. We can set our boundaries as parents, but ultimately you’re right, our children will eventually set their own boundaries!
Great thoughts Angie. Thanks so much for sharing them on Mothers Central!
I have 3 children, 23 Kelly, 22 Patrick and 13 Caitlin. Kelly was vey influence by the Brittney Spears epidemic and the stores didn’t help!! Everywhere we went shopping the shirts showed the midrif!! Eveywhere!! I remember feeling like an old fuddy duddy because I was so against this way of dressing for girls. I just couldn’t stand it! Many other mother’s thought it was cute. We had many disagreements about what she was wearing. Now my youngest 13 years old and starting 8th grade next week is just now getting into clothes. She thank goodness is not into midrif tops and thank goodness the stores aren’t selling them!! Finally there are tops that fit!! I know that our girls are just as influenced as we were. I graduated from school in 1985 and was into wearing what was in. I remember the magazines and how obsessed I got with looking like they do in the magazines. All we can do is set our examples the best we can, talk with them (not lecture), hold our ground on what we believe in and hold on to our hats as we try to mother our teen/young adult children! My oldest and I are very close now and she is a big help with my youngest.
I love to hear that you are so close with your oldest girl now! I am very close with my own mother now too, but that is something that really didn’t happen until end of/after my own college experience many years ago. With as fast as time goes by, that is something to look forward too - establishing a more adult relationship with the kids I’ve worked so hard to parent.
I try hard to set good examples for my own kids and believe you are right when you say it is one of our best tools to help with molding their dressing habits (really, in influencing them in a lot of ways.) Thanks so much for your comment and feedback! I hope you’ll continue to visit Mothers Central to share your thoughts!
I definitely worry about this, too. It’s so hard not to, especially given the mass quantities of ads like those you mentioned that are everywhere. I mean, I’ve even seen clothing for toddler girls that seems (to me, at least) to be inappropriate.
For me, I hate the message that a girl/woman’s top priority (and worth/value) should be the way she looks, specifically so that she can attract a boy/man. It’s a message that is hammered over and over again into girls’ brains on so many levels; I’ve just been trying to avoid it as much as possible until my daughter is as old as possible so that I can hope to have conversations about the issues in a way that she can understand. (This is part of my crazy anti-princess opinion…I just don’t want to endorse the message that the most important thing is to get the prince .) I think it’s impossible to avoid altogether, though.
The thing is, I think fashion is fun, too. And, I appreciate the way that feeling comfortable with how you look does help you feel more confident. I’d also love for my daughter (and my son) to fall in love with a wonderful person and get married someday. I just don’t want her to worry about those things when she is a child…and maybe I never want her to worry about whether or not she looks “sexy” enough! I want her to focus on her brains, kindness, creativity, interests, compassion, strength, courage, friendships, etc.
Like you said, one of our goals as parents is to instill confidence and positive self-esteem in our children and hope that the balance of values we teach them will shine through as they mature. Thanks for another great post, Kate!
Sara, when I read your comment, I thought: You sound like I feel … confused!
I totally related to every word you wrote and the conflicts you discussed about fashion vs. confidence. I also loved your example of the “anti-princess” opinion… what a great and interesting comparison!
And such a great phrase to wrap up your thoughts:
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and personal insight.