The ladies of Midshore Mothers’ Center (Massapequa, New York) at their Year End Dinner Gala.
The money gifted to this center through donations, ticket purchases and a silent auction not only
help to support their center operations, but ultimately help provide mothers with the emotional support
to feel confident and strong as parents - something all our groups strive to make a priority.
~
“What is the best way to meet other moms?”
~
A couple years ago I was approached by an acquaintance - a new mother who was also new to our community - looking to find other moms to connect with and who asked that very question.
“Of COURSE you need to check out the Mothers’ Center!” I began.
In a short but passionate spiel, I spoke to this new mother of how I have met many of my closest friends through my Mothers’ Center Group. I told her briefly how our group has a calendar of activities for moms, kids - the entire family. I mentioned (ok, emphasized) the fact that we have childcare for the little ones during our weekly gatherings where we discuss parenting topics.
After I concluded, I was caught a little off guard with her response.
She had a follow-up question, one which I had never been asked before. She looked me square in the eyes and boldly said, “Does it kind of feel like you are paying for your friends though?”
I’ll admit, no one had ever said that back to me.
Yes, our group collects dues, however I had never once considered it money to secure friendships. And honestly, I didn’t quite know how to respond.
Silent Response Scenerios
In an instant my mind defensively exploded with reasons why this simply was. NOT. True.
Should I stick to the solid facts? Tell her where our dues money is spent?
- How there is insurance to pay, and
- Qualified childcare workers to maintain, and
- Money that we use to give back to the community and support other families
OR should I attack the question from a more personal angle?
Explain to her how after my second child - when I felt as though I should know what I was doing, but in reality felt like I didn’t know anything - I immediately had a network to turn to through my Mothers’ Center Group. Mothers who listened to my challenges without judgment and who rebuilt my confidence with just a little bit of encouragement and optimism.
~ OR ~
Maybe I should mention the moment I began longing for a “me” that felt a bit lost (after being slightly ambushed by the challenges of motherhood) and share with her how my Mothers’ Center Group gave me the opportunity to seek and grow personal leadership talents that I never even knew existed within me.
These may be things of my past, but these are also real things of other mothers’ futures.
I remember when I felt like I might die of:
- Boredom (after being trapped inside my home during the cold Ohio winters)
- Or madness (due to colicky-like crying)
- Or exhaustion (from night after night of next to no sleep)
I remember the relief that often came with having a few hours of adult conversation after dropping my children off at my own Center’s childcare during our weekly discussion gatherings.
But most of all, I remember that feeling of making a difference in other mother’s lives by taking on leadership roles and continuing my support in other ways - even after I no longer had a need for the childcare, or as much time for social outings, or could maintain consistent attendance at our weekly gatherings due to starting back to work (work I subsequently found through and based on my qualifications gained at my own Mothers’ Center).
I am so grateful for the support I got. And I couldn’t image others not having that support and those opportunities.
No. I definitely hadn’t paid for my friends.
With my dues I had purchased much welcomed support at a time when I needed it most. And I continue to pocket that support for myself (for use during the times when I sill require it), along with dispersing it to others whom I feel might be in need of an extra does of support.
Yet, I didn’t need to be reminded of this.
These are things I could and would never forget. It was the woman staring back at me in a slightly awkward silence that I hoped to convince now.
The Actual Response
Slowly my mind drifted back to the initial question.
The acquaintance interrupted my thoughts by saying, “I guess I didn’t mean to suggest that you paid for your friends? That probably came out wrong… it’s just that the expense seems a little high when friends should be free?”
And all I said is:
“No. It’s OK.”
And I smiled back reassuringly (because having been a part of a Mothers’ Center I had learned to not always jump to conclusions). I understood that every mother is at a different step in their parenting journey.
“It’s just that… becoming a mother brought so much change to my life. And the support the center provided was so much more than just a circle of friends, but also an education, an understanding of reflective listening, a way to build my own network of diverse mommas.” I continued, adding a wink to help lighten the tone.
“Joining my Mothers’ Center Group helped me to feel valued, and it gave my own kids a safe place to go when their mommy needed just a little time off. Because “time off” during the job of motherhood is rare. To me, it was worth it.”
Thus ending a conversation that I will never forget, because for the 1st time I was forced to recognize and recall all I had gained from membership in my local center.
~
Motherhood is a journey, a journey that should be shared with others and not wrapped up in isolation. I am forever grateful for the support, camaraderie and opportunities having a Mothers’ Center Group in my community gave to me because…
We all need a little support. Every. Single. One of us.
Leave a Comment: How did your own Mothers’ Center Group support you through your motherhood journey? How do you explain why a Mothers’ Center Group is “worth it” to skeptics? If you don’t/didn’t belong to a Mothers’ Center Group, what is/was the most beneficial thing to help you along your path as a mom?
~
Are you interested in finding the type of support a
Mothers’ Center offers but don’t have a Mothers’ Center nearby?
Learn more about the Mothers’ Center culture by downloading
and reading our New Center Start-up Guide here!
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Honestly Kate, I wish that I’ve had the ability to have read your wonderful post years ago because you so eloquently stated what I’ve found nearly impossible to put to words for years—my go to phrase, “it’s just a great place with a bunch of amazing women” really doesn’t every cover it all. Every time I talk about the center I have been at a loss of how to describe what it’s done for me. Thank you for sharing this. I will be paraphrasing it for some time.
When you added your comment about finding Midshore Mothers’ Center in our leadership forums I had just finished writing this post. It was almost as if you had already read it! I connected with your words (on the forum post) too. I’m glad you found my explanation beneficial!
I felt the same way as Daniela! I spent a half hour trying to write something to add to Kate’s post before I put it on out MMC Facebook page. Everything I wrote looked like a paraphrase of Kate’s! It is how I truly feel…indebted for the best of friends, and personal growth of leadership skills, in an amazingly supportive enviornment!
I am so glad others can relate. I feel like that question of “why is it worth it” comes up more than I would like it to. And often I have trouble responding still! As it was, this post took me FOREVER to write… because I just wanted to make sure I “got it right.” I’m glad I seemed to be able to express myself well!
Reading this made me wish we had something like this around when I had my first child. It sounds like such a wonderful place. You really made it sound just so perfect and helpful.
My Mothers Center Group was SO helpful. The entire concept of providing an non-judgmental group of women for discussion and support is such an underutilized but effective way of building your own network of mothers.
If you are ever interested (or you know anyone else who might be interested) in starting a Mothers’ Center Group let me know Susi. We have a new center start-up guide (I linked to it at the bottom of the post) which helps to give people a better idea of what the NAMC is and what a Mothers Center Group does. Groups don’t have to be big organizations - they can be smaller support groups too. It really is an amazing concept that I wish more mothers had access too.
Thanks so much for stopping over here to read my story Susi. It’s means a lot to me!
Kate,
Perfectly said! What I try to emphasize when talking about our center is that typical playground chit chat doesn’t always get very deep or help form a basis for a strong friendship. Mothers’ Center does. Plus some of us (me especially) find it easier to make friends in a group setting (school, work, mothers’ center).
Yes, I would have to agree with you Teresa about the typical playgroup chit chat. Mothers’ Centers often provide mothers with so much more opportunities to get to know each other on an ongoing basis.
It’s funny how different every mother is - especially when it comes to friendships. I tend to get more nervous in a group setting, particularly in a larger group setting. This is initially one of the things that worried me about my own Mothers’ Center Group. I have often times found though, that if there is something you are a little scared to do, if you just take that leap of faith and force yourself to meet those fears head on, you are only the better for it. Ultimately, facing my nervousness of a larger group setting was more than worth it! (As you can tell after reading my post
)
Thanks for your feedback! I love to hear everyone else’ reasons for loving their own Mothers’ Center Group.
This was an interesting article to read because I have no problem with paying to join a mothers’ center - in some sense, it’s no different from paying to join a mommy and me class somewhere else, except I find the mothers’ center is more worthwhile because there are more opportunities to connect with the other moms and kids outside of a once a week class. The only mom I regularly do anything outside of the mommy and me classes with (with one other exception who happens to have been a really good friend before we had kids) happens to also be a member of the mothers’ center! I have stayed in touch with a large chunk of the moms who took entry with me, I regularly correspond with the writing club and book club members - it has definitely broadened my connections with other moms more than the mommy and me classes (and frankly the mothers center is a lot cheaper too!). I don’t think of it as paying to find friends, I think of it as increasing my opportunities to hang out with other moms who might become my friends!
Wonderful points Laura! It is funny to think about the cost comparison between a Mommy and Me class and a Mothers Center Group. This point also led me to think about the amount of money we sometimes spend on activities for our children - and how oftentimes we wouldn’t even consider spending that type of money on ourselves. I see my Mothers Center group as a win-win: Time for my child and time for me. Definitely money well spent!
Kate,
I just finished signing us up for the spring semester of our various classes, and writing that post had made me think about how much I spend on Mommy and Me activities considering that I’m not working partly because daycare is so expensive. I’m taking a facilitating training group at a nearby mothers center and a Transitions group at our center, and both are significantly cheaper than the music class or gym class we are also doing. Now, admittedly, we both enjoy music and gym (I am the only mom who goes through the blow up houses at the gym with him and I love it) but the mothers center classes give me support from other moms and downtime from Kenny where I know he is well taken care of and playing with other kids he knows and likes. I have become incredibly active in the center in the year and a half since I joined, and one of the reasons is because it has filled not only a social need for me, but also a need to be useful and a space to have occasional adult conversations that are not interrupted every ten seconds (which is surprisingly valuable!).
Laura, Thank you for sharing why a Mothers’ Center has been worth it to you. Oftentimes I don’t think we take into consideration that spending a little extra money and time on our selves as parents is a win/win for both the parent and the child(ren). It is interesting to do a side-by-side comparison (as you just did) of where our money goes when spending it on something we consider more for ourselves (vs. for our children). 9 out of 10 times, money spent on ourselves is much less AND still includes thought and energy into how it is beneficial also for our kids… very interesting (not bad - just interesting
) observation don’t you think…?
For me my Mothers’ Center was an oasis of non-judgmental conversation where I didn’t have to put on my game face like I often had to do at the playground or supermarket. It was a place wbere no one ever asked me “Why are you letting your daughter ….(fill in the blank.)” It was a place where the conversation about my children didn’t become a competition about who learned to speak first or got better grades (and therefore was more advanced and therefore more accomplished.) It was a place where I learned how normal 2 year olds behave and where I was reassured that even if I had a regret at the end of a long parenting day, I could look to my MC circle to listen to what didn’t go well and they’d help me think of others ways to parent the next time I got close to losing it. Learning how to speak in a non-judgmental way and that listening with my full attention is really helpful to others were revelations and life skills that have helped me and my family in a million ways. What I got at my MC is priceless.
Well said Linda. It is wonderful to have a place nearly as comfortable as home - where one doesn’t even contemplate the need to force a “game face.” In my mind, the non-judgmental aspect a Mothers’ Center Group provides is the single-most differentiating point between that group and other places I frequently meet and converse with mothers.
Thanks for that beautiful post. I met with members from the midshore center last night and they raved about your post. I love it too! I too had no problem paying for the center. It is still the best deal around! I definately related to being bored! When my first child was 1-3 years old. he would wake up at 5:30 and I was bored by 7! I also felt isolated and needed stimulating connections. I joined when he was 3, and took one group every cycle for the first year. That is all it took, one 1.5 hour session of thought provoking, NONJUDGEMENTL, conversations once per week that transformed my life & fed my soul. I found out that yes, Scotty, there is intelligent life out there, it just needs the space & time (the right environment) to show itself. Space & time that is not always possible at gymboree or the playground. Even when I wasn’t there I knew I could pick up the phone to a mothers’ center friend and talk in a way that I felt in the group, trusting, supported, and NOT judged. And I also feel that I don’t need to pick up the phone because just knowing they are out there helped the feelings of isolation. I love the real connections I made at my center! I can’t say enough good things about the center!
Anne, I love how I can feel your enthusiasm through your words. And I love that there are others out there that have the same enthusiasm as I do. Thanks so much for reading the post, and for sharing your experiences too! It is such a testament to our members and to our program that people continue to comment, share and relate to these words and have such gratitude to their Mothers Center Group experiences.