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Life is complicated and just not fair.
In an adults’ eyes this statement often feels true, however the confidence of youth tends to challenge it. Many times a child begins life more optimistically and as they mature this optimism slowly fades.
As parents, we hope to teach our children about life’s harder truths in order to better prepare them for the difficulties they will face. But are we right to always challenge these idyllic notions?
This is the question I asked myself after reading today’s guest post letter written by NAMC Board Chair Terry Baver.
Terry, a clinical psychologist in private practice for over 30 years, lives on Staten Island and has been involved with Mothers’ Centers for over 25 years. She has two sons, now ages 30 and 34, and in 2011 was proud to finally welcome more women into her family when both of her sons married.
Without further ado, I present you with Terry’s letter to her boys.
Terry with her first grandson Charlie.
Dear Sons,
First, thank you. I never felt sure I would be able to love deeply. My love for you both has brought me the greatest joy and reassurance imaginable. You have both married women I am grateful and honored to call daughters, and my first grandson Charlie is a bright light in the universe.
I remember thinking that what mattered was that my sons added to the good of the world. You have. You are both deep thinkers, caring partners, good friends, loving brothers and sons, and you both care about the lives of those who have less and who need more.
I remember telling you, as so many parents tell their children, “life isn’t fair”. But the older I get, the more I believe that you were right and that it should be fair. And that it should matter to us all that it isn’t. I hope that you continue to know this. It seems that children absolutely know this truth and then are convinced by adults that it isn’t possible. Maybe we were all wrong and we should remember that life should be fair after all?
I hope you continue to look for the things in life that matter to you, and that you pay attention in a deep and meaningful way to the people around you.
Life is complicated and we all carry within us great capacities for joy and for hurt. The older I get the more I am aware of the things I have little control over. So stay alive, stay attentive to yourselves and to those you care about. Try not to fall into shame and try to not shame anyone else. Shame can make you close your eyes, and staying aware and awake is the best way to continue on the path that will make sense for your life.
Sometimes we have to do what is best for others, but at least try and know what is also best for you. Listen to yourself always.
Let yourselves sing with the universe. There is so much sadness in the world. We can’t close our eyes to what is. But I hope you also remember to pay attention to what can be, and to the beauty and joy of life.
The older I am the more I think that, while it is important to know when you are afraid, it is most important to not let the fear drive your life.
Whether it is fear of change or
of commitment or
of work or
of an “other” or
of illness
or of the unknown,
look at it straight and keep on your path.
The Golden Rule, “do not do to others what you would not want them to do to you” only works if you actually care for yourself, respect yourself and are as loving to yourself as you are to your children.
Know you have been loved. Expect it and learn how to give and receive it.
In gratitude,
Your Mom
Leave a Comment: How do you work to prepare your children for life as an adult without driving away their optimism? Please help me in welcoming Terry to the Mothers Central Blog by leaving her a comment and sharing her letter with others.
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We’ve been asking our members across the nation to respond to the question:
What would you tell your child in a letter? Get more details and read other guest post letters here.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
There is so much wisdom in this one letter it was hard for me to pinpoint just one thing that I felt most important! The words I most connected to though were when you beautifully wrote “Let yourselves sing with the universe.” There IS a lot of sadness, but if we keep our optimism strong and focused we can help add to the happiness.
Thanks so much for your wonderful letter Terri.
Terry is a wise and caring woman. She is calm and compassionate. Her letter says a lot of what I would like to say to my sons and she phrases it so eloquently. I too always told my boys “life is not fair” and I too have often regretted it. I just wasn’t sure what I was regretting….certainly not the truth I was speaking but as Terry says perhaps I was regretting the missed opportunity to support their idea that life should be fair. I wish that I had framed it more optimistically and encouraged them to go out there and make it fair, to fight for fairness…..because that’s what life should be “fair”…fair to all!
Thank you Terry for making this clear and giving me the words and the impetus to go back even at this late date and re-phrase that lesson.
Karen, this is exactly why I related so strongly to Terry’s letter! My oldest is 10, my youngest 3 - and am thankful to have her wise words to help guide me and remind me during those occasions when I do attempt to stifle my children’s high ideals.
“I remember telling you, as so many parents tell their children, “life isn’t fair”. But the older I get, the more I believe that you were right and that it should be fair. And that it should matter to us all that it isn’t.”
Loved that! Beautiful post Terry