Does the guilt ever go away? This morning I woke up feeling overwhelmed and guilty… Overwhelmed because I have WAY too much to do, and guilty because all this “stuff” that I have to do does not include hanging out with my kids.
Last week on the Mothers Central blog I wrote about how I stay “present” in play with my kids… Don’t let that fool you! In reality I am NOT ALWAYS present in play. Looking back on that post sure does make me feel good though! In actuality, a lot of the time I feel like I am NOT present… In fact, I feel the exact opposite. I feel absent…
- I feel absent when I go off to work teaching one day a week.
- I feel absent when I am sick or not physically feeling 100%.
- I feel absent when I am worried about something. (And lets face it… there are a lot of things that worry me…)
- I feel absent when I need some time to myself because… well… I just NEED SOME TIME TO MYSELF… enough said.
Feeling “absent” wouldn’t be all that bad, if I also didn’t feel guilty.
Right now, as I am typing this, my son is outside my glass-paneled office doors saying, “Momma, momma, when are you going to be done?”
Seriously!?!
H-E-L-L-O! Wonderful husband, where are you? Don’t you know my son is making me feel about < this big > and I need you to rescue me from my guilt?
Pleeeezzze, just play with them, so I don’t feel so bad that I am not?
There is a fine line between feeling
fulfilled and feeling selfish.
Most of the time, when I feel professionally fulfilled I feel selfish, and when I feel unfulfilled I feel self-less. It’s a toss-up… which feeling can I live with for the time being?
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Problem solved. Right?
OK, so my husband just took our kids away from my glass-paneled office doors. They are off to play, so I can work… problem solved, right??? But wait… I don’t feel any better? I STILL FEEL GUILTY!
Of course, my husband would say that’s my own fault… there’s no reason to feel guilty, he has taken over! Yet I still. Feel. GUILTY. As much as my wonderful husband tries and sincerely wants to take this feeling of guilt away… he just can’t.
(Insert sigh… Ahhhh)
So I try to ignore it.
I tell myself, “I am a GREAT mom!” and I start listing ALL the things that I do with my kids. I TRY to convince myself that 1, 2, 3, even 5 days a week of work is NOT going to mess my kids up! There are LOTS of kids that are WAY worse off then my kids… Getting out one or two evenings a week with my husband and/or friends IS good for me!?! I NEED time for myself… OK. Still. Not. Helping me. (See how selfish I sound?)
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Mom to the Rescue (No, not ME mom. MY mom.)
Ring, RIINNGGG… The phone abruptly interrupts my thoughts on what a BAD mother I am… ARGH! As if I need one more thing interrupting my work that is already not getting done! But, the caller I.D. says it is my Mom so I pick up the phone. IMMEDIATELY I start to vent… she listens. I vent some more… She shares her experiences… I vent some more… 15 minutes later I still haven’t gotten back to work, and I am still on the phone with my mom, and I am still feeling… wait… I’m feeling… better??!!
Sometimes it’s my mom, sometimes its my mother-in-law, sometimes its my sister, sometimes its my good friend who also has kids, sometimes it is my weekly Mothers’ Center meeting… but it is almost always the experience of another mom who helps to melt the guilt away.
A co-worker of mine once wrote to me, “Somehow it’s always easier to forgive others, to see how unrealistic they are – but harder to give ourselves a break!” Isn’t that true!? Sharing my guilt with another mom and/or hearing another mom’s worries about guilt and not being “good enough” somehow ALWAYS make me feel as though miraculously I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE!
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It’s a half hour later. I say “good-bye” to my own mom, hang up the phone, and am FINALLY ready to get back to work knowing how lucky I am to feel so fulfilled as a woman and mom. What a great example I will make to my own children (and especially to my daughter) as I show them how one can live doing things that they truly enjoy doing! And even though, right now, I am working without them and loving it, later today, I will be working and playing with them and loving it just as much!
Life is good! …
Until the guilt takes over again…
Because, a mother’s guilt is never gone. Or is that just me? I can’t be the only one with these feelings… right?
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Another GREAT post, Kate!! I have actually been hoping that some of my guilt will decrease when I start doing something that is more fulfilling (and for which I might even get paid …) during those times, rather than just needing a break or having some other task that is not enjoyable, but still needs to get done. Sounds like it won't!
You are so right about how much our own moms, other moms, Mothers' Center friends, etc., really help so much just be sharing and helping us know that we are not alone!
It's amazing how easily we moms wear the guilt - and definitely it's easier to let go of that guilt when I have a chance to talk about it - somehow once spoken, it sounds less heavy. I also try to follow the lead of friends who are less prone to guilt - my best role models!
I don't feel guilty. We are in an impossible position. We absorb some sort of societal expectation that we should be selfless, patient, and always put our children, our spouses, in fact, everybody else, before ourselves. Mothers are constantly demeaned and devalued in our culture to the point that we half believe it ourselves. We do 2/3 of the work in the world but make only 10# of the income. Even with paid employment, we do more housework and childcare than men. We impoverish ourselves to further the interests of others. Women's poverty in old age, after a lifetime of working fewer years due to family care, earning less when we do work, holding jobs that don't offer pensions or beneifts, is twice the rate of men's poverty in old age. Guilty? Not me.
OK, now I feel guilty about feeling guilty
… No, in all seriousness, I STRIVE to loose the guilt. As I grow as an adult and parent, I do feel like my guilt gets smaller and smaller year by year. It’s hard to tell someone not to feel guilty… It’s kind-of like telling someone: “This is EXACTLY” what it is going to be like as a parent!” When in reality no one can prepare you for parenting. Because it is something you need to learn yourself. Learning not to feel guilty is the same kind of individual thing. That is why finding support as a mother is SO important. Thanks so much for the comment! One day, when I get there, I hope to say “Guilty? Not me.” too!
maybe i’m overstepping my bounds, as being a dad and all; but i think i understand this. just after graduating seminary in May and coming to Sylvania in late September, i was a stay at home dad. i was during seminary too, but this time it was all on me most days. i felt bad if i didn’t pay enough attention to Eve or became frustrated or zoned-out. guilt was a big part of the day. hard to explain, but i think i know what you’re getting at and what my Kate goes through. there’s no stopping it.
Guilt is universal. And doesn’t only apply to moms. Guilt is often a part of every parent’s day. RIGHT??? I may refer to it as “mommy guilt”… but “parent guilt” might be more adequate. It is nice to know that there are dad’s out there feeling the same way too! Thanks for sharing Luke. I would love to hear from more dads on “daddy guilt”. I have never thought of it from that perspective?
This has me thinking about something I’ve thought a lot about lately. I seem to not have guilt. But lately it seems I’ve been getting comments about, “that’s so great you can take time for yourself.” Or, from my mom, “I guess we raised you not to feel bad about leaving the kids (to do stuff)”. So now, I’m starting to question why I don’t feel guilty? Does this make me a bad mom? So now, technically, I’m feeling guilty for not feeling guilty. AND starting to question if maybe I’m not as good of a mom? AGH!! Maybe I should just stick to what I’m doing and not analyzing it all…. either way, the guilt is here.
Trying to find the ideal happy medium to rid the guilt is impossible in my book. It has more to do with being confident in your choices as a mom. (Which again is VERY hard) Through the years I have found that I am a MUCH better mom when I, myself, am happier and feel more fulfilled. Sometime I also think that our guilt makes us “read” too much more into every comment (over analyzing it). How do you get rid of the guilt? I do not have the answer. But talking about it SURE does help! Along with knowing were not alone. Thanks so much for the comment!
I know that when I get a little time for myself that I’m a better Mom and more relaxed person. Knowing that, however, doesn’t stop the “Mommy Guilt” from sneaking up. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone.
Its a daily struggle for me to remember that if I want to be the one to care for my family, I have to take care of myself first!
Well said Tatum! It’s a battle worth fighting… “Mommy Guilt” definitely sneaks up on you and it is hard some times to remember to take care of yourself when you have so many others to also take care of. Thanks so much for your comment!