Before you became a parent, what did you look for in a friend?
- I often looked for friends who would listen to my joys and concerns without complaint.
- Friends who could provide me with support and whom I could comfortably do the same.
- Most of all, I often found solace in a friendship with good reciprocity—a friend who seemed to want and need me around just as much as I wanted and needed them around.
It is this last point where my issues with friendships now (as a mother) seem to commonly arise. Often, my time to give back to my friends doesn’t always feel as abundant as it used to be.
Between:
driving to and from soccer practice,
driving to and from work,
driving to and from preschool and elementary school
and parent meetings
and errands
and … (well, you get the picture) …
Many days I feel like my best friend is my van.
(Which coincidentally is starting to fall apart from being driven too much.)
Too much of anything causes a lack of something else. Always.
There are only so many hours in the day—and right now my 3 children, my husband and my work often chew at the hours that used to be set aside more for maintaining and building friendships.
What do I look for in a friend now as a parent?
Simply stated: I look for someone who understands.
- Someone who understands although I might not be available to talk 24-7, that I still care.
- Someone who sees that I still need them, even when I might not physically tell them this.
- Someone who recognizes that a short and simple text message of “Thanks” is really more meaningful than just short and simple.
As a parent, it is considerably more difficult for me to invest my time towards building and maintaining friendships, especially factoring in everything (and everyone) vying for my time. This hardship in and of itself makes me that much more grateful for the friendships I built as a new mother through my own Mothers Center years ago.
For it is those friendships which often are the most understanding when I prioritize my time as a woman and mother—even when those priorities don’t always factor in nearly as much time for their friendships as I’d like.
Leave a Comment: What do you look for in a friend? Is it the same or different than what you looked for in friendship before becoming a parent?
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Did you know…
The NAMC provides Mothers’ Center group members with access to Group Discussion Guides meant to encourage reflection and conversation. The previous post was inspired by our discussion guide: The Friendship Factor. To download this guide and and others, visit the members only section of the NAMC website. Not a member? Learn more about the Mothers’ Center and it’s unique culture by downloading our New Group Start-up Guide here!
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
The #1 thing I look for in a friend is someone who shares the same values as me. Also similar parenting styles helps-not EXACTLY the same, but just remotely similar so we can relate to each other.
I agree Kate. Values and parenting styles do tend to play a large part in how I pick and choose my friends. (Although on the flip side, I’ve noticed that sometimes I learn the most from those who I turn out to be the most different from…go figure!)
There’s nothing like a friend you can trust with your deepest feelings and struggles. When I’m working something out, a friend has the patience for a long discussion. I find my women friends appreciate this, too. I can switch in to listener mode for them. We take turns. I feel this is kind of a gender thing. At the risk of generalization, I believe men aren’t wired as much for this. They can learn it and benefit from it, but for me, if I really want to talk about an issue, I will call Kim and know she can go the distance, for as long as it takes!
- Jan
Kate, this is something I think about often. Even though I see other moms every day, building friendships AS a mom is trickier - and very different - than the pre-kids days! I value people who give me the freedom to be a mess one day, and pull off a “super mom” feat the next. Those people aren’t judging based on one bad day, or one unusually good one. Hope that makes sense! I think, as moms, we need to give each other a lot of grace, a lot of room to grow and change.
Such wise words Missy. We’re all doing the best we can given the situation we’re in… and that situation changes from day to day because no two kids and no two Moms are alike and every day is a new day. Finding a friend who understands this and refrains from judgement during your “messier” days is (without a doubt!) priceless.