Nope, I’m not a perfect mom. I’m the first to admit it.
FAR from perfect.
I love my children, but there are MANY times that being a mother is HARD WORK. And there is a difference between being a good mom and a perfect mom. Just like most moms, I lose my patience, I get frustrated, and I overreact.
Patience is unfortunately NOT my middle name. For example:
It never fails. Every time I am talking on the phone the kids need something.
They might have been entertaining themselves for minutes (even close to an hour!) just prior to the phone ringing, yet as soon as it rings, there is some internal alarm that goes off in their little brains to make sure that they don’t miss the opportunity to interrupt my conversation.
However, I’ve learned to expect interruption. In fact, I am not as overly irritated about being interrupted while on the phone as I used to be. I have gotten used to that by now. What irritates me more, is what I am being interrupted for.
Two minutes into any phone conversation it is inexplicably the same scenario:
4-year-old: Momma?
First line of defense: The “evil” eye. (You know the look? If looks could kill, this would do the trick!)
4-year-old: Momma? Momma? MOMMA? (as he tugs at my shirt)
Second line of defense: (Since he obviously didn’t get the 1st!) Sneak off to another room. My thought: Maybe if I hide he won’t find me? The second line of defense generally gets me another minute or two into my conversation until…
4-year-old: MOMMA? (He found me!) MOMMM-MAAA?!
Final line of defense: Said very quickly and under my breath, “NOT. NOW!…” as I wave my hand in attempt to yell the word “GO!” with a gesture. I give another (somewhat pleading) shot of the evil eye as my frustration level starts to rise.
But this last line of defense NEVER seems to work. Within 30 seconds:
Me: (to the person on the other end of the phone) Hold on one second…
Me: (to my 4-year-old) Yes? What is it?!?4-year-old: Ummm… (This is the sign that he forgot what he originally came to me to say in the first place.)
Me: (to my 4-year-old) Quickly, WHAT IS IT? I am on the phone! (as if that is not obvious already!)
4-year-old: Ummm… When is it going to be warm enough that we can go to the pool again? (Note: It is FEBRUARY when he asks this question… WAY after the swimming season and WAY before the swimming season will start again!)
What?
WHAAAAT?
The pool?!? Where did that come from?
My patience is shot and I am having a hard time containing my irritation. Patience is definitely a learned trait, and most definitely something I have not yet mastered in my 8+ years as a mother. I remember my frustration as a child when my little sisters would be annoying me beyond belief. That level of frustration doesn’t even compare to what I sometimes feel as a mother who is unable to successfully finish a conversation.
I try to stay patient. (Insert long sigh here.) I try to keep frustrations at bay. I try hard. REALLY HARD. Nevertheless, am often unsuccessful… And my biggest failure to restrain frustration and keep my patience happens when I am not heard. There is nothing worse than being ignored.
Me: (to my 8-year-old as I go downstairs to start breakfast) Please don’t forget to pick up your clothes before you go downstairs. (Simple instructions right?)
8-year-old: OK.
Me: (said to my 8-year-old 15 minutes later during breakfast) Did you pick-up your clothes?
8-year-old: (with a look of confusion and annoyance) No.
Me: (said to my 8-year-old at least 30 minutes after breakfast) Honey, did you pick-up your clothes??
Take a wild guess at her answer?
Do you ever feel like a broken record? Do you ever feel like a Nag? Do you ever feel like you are NEVER being heard? It is about this point - after asking three times - that I overreact.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Do you ever just want to hit a “restart button” when talking to your kids? I often wish I had a remote control for my emotions to help me pause and then react appropriately to situations.
Yep, just like a volcanic eruption, after frustration has built up and your patience has disappeared, it ultimately is time to explode! I’d like to say that I always handle each frustrating situation with patience and calmness. But I don’t. In fact, I am always at my worst around 7 p.m., after a long day of work, doing multiple loads of laundry, playing (which can be exhausting work!), and everything else that I fit in-between… by 7 p.m. I am ready to RELAX.
BUT… this is news to my kids. When do you think my children will learn to NOT test my patience after the 7 p.m. mark?
Me: (to my 1-year-old) NO! NOT in the office! (as I drag him out of my office and close the doors)
1-year-old: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Because he doesn’t really talk yet!)
Me: OK, time for bed. (Note: that is a statement NOT a question as the one year old attempts to open the office doors again.)
OK, so I FULLY understand that a 1-year-old doesn’t quite get the concept of “no” just yet. But this is why he has a 7 o’clock bedtime! I just can’t deal with anything after 7 p.m. along with a full days worth of work! Every reaction after seven p.m. IS an overreaction.
So there you have it. Yes, I am not even close to perfect. Really, what mom is?!?
P.S. I have WAY more imperfect stories than these.. this may just have to become monthly rant!
Stay Calm and Carry On?
Leave your Comments: What frustrates, exasperates and irritates you the most with your children? Do you constantly get interrupted on the phone too? Or is it just me? How do you handle keeping calm? How do you work on releasing frustrations and keeping your patience as a mom? Motherhood is great BUT never perfect… Right?
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I find it interesting that in the first example you try to ignore your child, then in the second claim you hate to be ignored. Maybe there’s something to that? Perhaps if you didn’t ignore the kids when you were on the phone they wouldn’t chase you all over the house in a deperate attempt to get your attention…and eventually may leave you alone when you’re on the phone. A simple “I’m about to make a phone call and will need some privacy” works well for us- ESP when followed by a good 5-10min of solid attention.
After reading this comment, my first response was guilt… because it is so hard NOT to want to be the best mom possible. And you certainly point out a very obvious “bad mommy” characteristic of mine. But then I reminded myself why I wrote this post. I am not perfect. There are times when I wish I would have responded differently to a situation and, yes Marsha, not ignoring my kids and/or warning them when I need some privacy would be an obvious solution (and one that I do use sometimes!)… but that is exactly the point that I am also trying to get across. I am not perfect. I mess up as a mom. I think a lot of us do this sometimes. I work from home and I am also with my kids 24/7. There are hours upon hours of 1 on 1 attention that I give to my kids and don’t spend talking on the phone. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I overreact, sometimes I lose my patience. But I try to learn from my mistakes. and I love my kids. Thank you for your comment… I hope that others relate with my “confession.”
I love this blog post Kate- it’s for me the essence of “Mothers’ Center”- none of us is perfect- and we learn this parenting thing “on the job.” There isn’t any training ahead of time! The biggest gift that I receive at the Mothers’ Center is from other moms- the gift of not being judged, of finding out everyone gets frustrated and no one feels good at it all the time. Once you become a mother it seems like everyone has an opinion about parenting! And the best we can do for each other as moms is to create “judgment free zones” - where we can talk honestly and learn from each other without fear that we will be criticized. I look to other moms for their wisdom - and sometimes I even feel like I have some wisdom to share!
Thanks Lisa! I completely agree! For me, it is so wonderful to learn that there are other “not-so-perfect” mom’s out there. My local Mothers’ Center is where I really started to learn to “remove my disguise” of perfection. It is so liberating to be able to actually say (and be OK about the fact that) I’m not perfect as a mom sometimes. It is always a struggle to admit a mistake… but such a relief to learn from others how they’ve handled and can relate to the very same mistake!
Kate,
I have always looked at you with the assumption that you ARE tht perfect mom! You have beautiful children, grace with handling all 3, you work, and you manage a million other volunteer activities for you and your kids. It is refreshing that you are honest and admit that as a parent we all have moments we are not perfect, and make mistakes. If only those little ones came with direction booklets. I find myself struggling many times when people make comments to me that “they don’t know how I do everything that I do”, or others along those trains of thought. I told someone today, that I do many things, but none of them well at any one time. There are days when I am a better parent, better wife, better friend, better nurse, and better student. I just never manage to get them on the same day! Thank you for being an inspiration to me and others for admitting that we are not PERFECT! and we should not expect others to be either, but support them when they are not at their best. That is what friends are for!
~Kori
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Jack of all trades, master of none? One thing I have learned over time is (again another cliche saying but true!) >>> Never judge a book by it’s cover. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment Kori. You have great words and thoughts to add to our conversation on this post!
Great post Kate. I loved your comment about removing a disguise of perfection. Expecting perfection of ourselves, in my mind, is worse than admitting that we’re imperfect and striving to be the best we can be. One of the phrases that women at my Mothers’ Center spoke about that helped me was assessing if I had been “good enough”, given the particular circumstances. There is a world of difference between planning on making a call and having the time to prepare your children for that. Even then, it isn’t always successful. But your story told of answering a ringing phone, which obviously you could not plan for. In some cases, I would ask the person if I could call them back in a few minutes so I could organize my household enough to be able to talk and think on the call. But in other situations, that was simply not possible and I had to struggle to address the kids’ need to be with me and the urgency of the call. As with most mothering issues, it’s not that simple. Thanks for taking the risk to help us all reflect on what we’d like to do better, and what we’ve learned from our experiences (both good and bad) that we can share with each other.
Thank you you Linda. It is always hard to share your imperfections with others. But I know that whenever anyone shares their “motherly mishaps” with me, I feel so comforted that I am not the only one! Perfection is almost like a disease, and in my opinion, sharing and learning from others is part of the treatment. Thanks again for your comment.
LOVED this post! it’s so true! it’s one of my pet-peeves to be interrupted on the phone mainly due to my mother teaching us that she would DISEMBOWEL us if we interrupted her on the phone.
funny story from that. i was 8 years old, doing homework at the kitchen table while my mom was on the phone. i hear the mummer of her conversation and yet here this weird buzzing. so i look around (any excuse to stop doing homework) and find the source: a big ol’ bumble-bee in my mom’s hair. so instead of interrupting her (for fear of disembowelment) i slid her a hand-written note saying “i hate to interrupt you, but there is a bee in your hair.” she read it, said “I’ll call you right back” and walked out side very calmly and got the bee out of her hair. she still has the note too!
That WAS a funny story Luke! And it made my afternoon! Thank you for sharing it… it is nice to know that moms have been dealing with unsuccessful phone conversations for years What a smart boy you were to write a note! Ha!
Thank you for sharing your stories of the moments you find yourself “not so perfect.” Every mom in our sisterhood of moms can relate to wishing for a “rewind” button (and even a mute button for our kids). Many of us learned some “proper” way to parent and use those suggestions in so much of our parenting challenges… but have a moment here or there that was not so perfect.
Of course we are so forgiving when our children make mistakes but expect perfection from ourselves. We forget that we are learning how to “mother” at the same time teaching our children how to care for themselves. There is nothing more reassuring than hearing another mom’s confession. We know we are not alone in our moments of frustration. We are not the only mom who has ever lost her temper, hid from her kids while on an important call or wished to drink a cup a coffee in peace from time to time.
When I think of many of the mothers I have come to know through my local Mothers’ Center my first impressions were most always based on viewing their interactions with their children. Everyone so loving, kind and full of patience. As we have shared our “confessions” over the years these women have only become more perfect in my mind. I don’t know one mom with whom I’ve had a genuine conversation about motherhood who hasn’t confessed to frustrations in both being pursued for attention or being ignored.
Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for your comment Eileen! I loved your last paragraph in talking about the mothers you have met through the years where you said:
That is something I have never put into words, but feel the same way! Thank you for sharing.
Love reading posts that make me feel human. Do you ever have those days where you wake up with tons of patience and that is quickly followed by a day with none? Just wondering because this happens to me all the time.
Oh and I can’t even use the phone, I have given up.
Isn’t it nice to feel human?
And yes! I am forever waking up with a full cup of patience, only to see it quickly dwindle to close to empty. I have a friend who, on days like these, physically fills and then empties a cup of water in front of her kids (3 boys between 4-9!) and shows them her “level” of patience. She says that it actually warns them to watch their step (mommy is a bit cranky today!)… I thought that was funny! I may have to try that sometime as my littlest ones get older!
This parenting gem is definitely going into my ‘bag of coaching tricks’ for my clients! Visuals are great for all ages. Think I’ll use a tall clear vase- Maybe I’ll even suggest that each child have his/her own vase as well- or for simplicity sake- a poster for the fridge with a moveable gage to indicate happy/not so happy level.
Smart parenting rocks!
Glad to help you “brainstorm” and add to your ‘bag of coaching tricks!’
Another great post Kate! This one couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time either. I’m half convinced you must have been a fly on my wall Weds. night
It never fails (no matter how much one on one time my daughter’s had prior or how long she’s been entertaining herself) once the phone rings she begins fighting for my attention.
Being a Mom is HARD WORK and I too am guilty of sometimes losing my patience, getting frustrated and overreacting. Many times I’ve wished for a rewind button, heck an Easy button would work too!
Thanks for putting yourself out there with your “confessions” and letting me know I’m not the only one.
Thank you Tatum. Isn’t it funny how sometimes someone says something JUST at the perfect time? So glad there are others out there to commiserate with, yet also get support from. Eileen, another mother who also left a comment on this post, said something very true: “Of course we are so forgiving when our children make mistakes but expect perfection from ourselves.” That really put’s perspective on losing the pressure to be perfect. (Still - would love an rewind and/or easy button too!) I appreciate your comment!
The good news from this, beside the fact that I am not alone, is that you don’t have to be a perfect mom to be a great mom. In fact, I think giving our children the perception that we are perfect would be a grave mistake! Who among us is perfect… or even anything close to it?! What a load of pressure to put on our children that life and the people living it can ever be perfect, or to suggest that they even strive for perfection? No, thank you!!! Furthermore, I think much of our beauty and humanity comes from those imperfections. We learn and grow from our mistakes and our misgivings.
In direct response to the phone interrupting comments… we all have different views on parenting, but in my house, we don’t interrupt each other. If an adult is talking on the phone, children and adults alike should not interrupt. This is not about “ignoring” anyone, this is about commen courtesy to me. What works well in my house is respect for one another. It is disrespectful to interrupt one another, so we don’t allow that in our house. There is a difference between ignoring a child and ignoring unacceptable behavior such as repeated, disrespectful interruptions. What is wrong with simple rules and expectations for our children such as “don’t interrupt when I am on the phone?”
You are a fantastic mother, Kate. Keep fighting the good fight
Thank you Jessica. What great points you make! I especially liked your statement:
The things I learn most from are always my mistakes. And although we always say hindsight is 20/20, what is hindsight more than learning lessons from experience? Great comment! Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
Hey Katie,
Great post! Perfection does not exist—- I too lose my patience and while in the moment, I KNOW that I am overreacting but I can’t help it. I try to look at the big picture, but sometimes frustration takes over. Thanks for touching on an important topic and being REAL. I am sure that a lot of moms (including myself) can relate!
Lesly
Thanks Lesly. It can be hard to put yourself out their by sharing your parenting “confessions” and mistakes. I personally find that when I listen to other mom’s confessions, I truly start to connect to them. That’s why I share mine. I hope other moms connect to my “confessions” like you do! Thanks for your comment!
Ahhhh Kate! Bless your heart! (A southern expression of deep compassion) I remember those days so well- having to sneak around to talk on the phone. You are so right! Children are born with a chip implanted that blasts a foghorn sound to their little brains when mom gets on the phone! It’s hardwired no doubt.
The dialogue you had with Marsha in the beginning of this post reminded me of a parenting gem I wanted to share.
‘Listen to understand the person, not to fix the problem.’ I have found this principle particularly important with my teenagers and I’m pretty sure it applies to almost everyone as illustrated here. Generally speaking, people just want to be understood and validated. I once heard someone put it this way, “What would Grandma say?” Evidently Grandmothers have learned this precious principle and apply it liberally to all who come seeking consolation.
Okay- as a mom’s coach I’m dying to blurt out some parenting advice- but I’m holding my tongue- I’ll stick with grandma’s philosophy and just commiserate with you… I hated having to have all my phone calls in the bathroom because that’s the only place I could go for solitude!
Happy Parenting!
I LOVE it!: “What would Grandma say?” I’ve never heard it put that way.
I am slowly, yet surely, learning that listening is a much stronger (and much more difficult!) skill to master then advising. In the post just following this, I discussed finding the right parenting solutions from the sea of SO MUCH advice. One of the words of advice that was given to me, and that I passed on to the readers, was to “share stories instead of advice.” This reminds me of your gem: “Listen to understand the person, not to fix the person.” Great words! Definitely a parenting Gem! Thanks for your comment Deaunna!
P.S. Happy Parenting to you too!
Hey, nice blog post!!
Since I’m not a member of your community, I’m just going to speak freely.
#1 You GO, girl! Nobody is perfect , we are all just doing the best we can on this big roller coaster ride of motherhood.
#2 You handled Marsha’s post perfectly.
Thanks for your comments “Popping In” (even #3 - shhh I won’t tell if you won’t tell wink!)
#1 Motherhood IS a roller coaster ride - You are SO right on!
#2 You wrote: “Since I’m not a member of your community…” Are you a mom? Are you a parent? Are you a daughter? Are you a son? You ARE a member of this community! You are welcome back anytime…
I hope you’ll come back and continue to share your story! So glad you liked the post.
I came across this blog because I woke up with a cup frull of patience too and by the time I was dropping off my 4 year old at day care with a backseat full of spilled milk on this hot July day, it DEF ran low. I am a “not so perfect” parent either and I get the guilt issues after too when I overreact and speak harshly to my daughter. Now I am sitting at work wishing I could start the morning over! I think my biggest fear is instilling some sort of insecurity in her when I am being “mean”….but I guess the better thing is that I recognize that I am over reacting and working on it for the next time!
I find that the longer I parent, the more I learn… and the less I over react… until the next time I over react
And the guilt can often be hard to let go of. I work out of my home. (… you know, the grass is always greener on the other side? Working out of your home is supposed to be guiltless - NOT!) I find that the one thing that helps me is the support of other moms and other mother’s stories - because most of the time, it’s not just me! Hang in there!