I remember the moment my husband and I decided to begin our family.
We always knew when we got married that we wanted children. But like many young couples, we were very focused on our careers and not certain that a family was anywhere in our near future.
Nevertheless, in 2001 - a little over 1 year into our married lives, our focus and our priorities drastically changed.
And the all-encompassing event that brought on this change was September 11th.
Nearly 10 years ago, the tragedy of September 11th forever changed many peoples’ lives and the history of our country. A tremendous amount of people were impacted by this event in enormous ways. But on a smaller, more personal scale, this indescribable tragedy really forced my husband and I to re-evaluate our priorities and our timelines.
So 6 months later, in the spring of 2002, my husband and I went to dinner with our crisp-paged parenting book (What to Expect When You’re Expecting) and tried to react to our new reality - the fact that we had just gotten a positive pregnancy test.
What to Expect When You’re Expecting… Fatherhood?
As we nervously looked at each other across the restaurant table with excitement, I knew what was going through my head:
- How will my body change?
- Will we have a boy or a girl?
- Would I continue to work after our baby was born?
- How long before we would tell our family and friends that we were pregnant?
But, in hindsight, what I never considered, was what was going through my husband’s head. I was so focused and self-absorbed on the changes happening to me, that I look back with wonder at the changes that were going on with my husband as he began to grasp the reality of fatherhood?
It never occurred to me to look for a book titled “What to Expect When You’re Expecting to be a Father.”
Becoming Dad…
Nine months later our oldest daughter was born, and my husband became a father.
Snap! Just. Like. That…
For months, to my knowledge, the only preparation for fatherhood my husband had was an ever-growing, ever-complaining pregnant wife and an oversized body pillow (lovingly nicknamed BP) that now shared our bed.
The instant our daughter was born, I could see the look of awareness in his eyes as he held our little girl in his arms for the first time. The realization that nothing he had done before this moment - the moment our first child was born - could compare to what he was experiencing as a new father.
I could hear the pride in his voice as he loudly proclaimed, “It’s a girl!!!!” to anyone who was there to listen.
I could feel his sense of relief that the birth was over, that the baby and myself were healthy, and that this new chapter in his life called fatherhood could finally begin.
I could see, hear and feel all these things my husband was going through… yet, in the same way it takes a mother time to fully comprehend motherhood… It never occurred to me until years later that my husband may have had some of these same steps to sort through as he fully comprehended fatherhood.
She Thought / He Thought
I wonder what my husband was thinking that first night home from the hospital - when he got up with me every two hours to just sit in the baby’s room as I nursed our daughter?
I know I felt tired, and frustrated, and scared of the unknown? I’m curious if he felt helpless as he sat on the floor and watched me do what only a mother could do?
I wonder what he felt like when he had to go back to work and leave our daughter at home with me - alone for the first time?
I know how I felt when I returned to work. Do you think he enjoyed the time away (as I did) yet felt guilty being gone and ready to see his daughter after a long day at work (as I did)?
I wonder what my husband heard those nights when our newborn just wouldn’t go to sleep?
I know I heard every sound, every cry, every breath. Did he realize what he was getting into as a father? (I sure didn’t realize what I was getting into as a mother!)
Sharing Stories of Fatherhood
How do I write about fatherhood when I haven’t experienced it? This was the thought that went through my mind as Father’s Day approached and I was thinking how to address it on this blog.
I am a woman, a mother, a daughter and a wife. I am many things, but I am not, will never and can never be a father. And because of this, I will never fully understand my husband’s story. All I can do is share my husband’s untold story through my somewhat observant, yet rather self-absorbed and unknowing eyes.
I look back at our 8 + years as parents and see how, out of a horrific tragedy, we made a decision that became a life changing blessing.
What was my husband feeling as he sat in the nursery with me through our first night at home with a newborn? What was he going through during all these new life changes and experiences as a father?
In retrospect, it amazes me that I haven’t asked him these questions before. I’m always so interested in hearing and learning from other mothers’ stories… yet somehow it never occurred to me that the fathers in our lives also have their own version of the same stories.
Happy Father’s Day to my husband, my own father and all the fathers whose untold stories we have yet to fully see through a mother’s unknowing eyes. Maybe we all should start asking the fathers in our lives to share their stories? I know that’s where I’m off to next!
Mothers AND Fathers - Leave a Comment and share your story! Have you ever stopped to think about what the fathers in your lives have experienced as they, like us, stumble through parenting? Looking back, is there any one incident you would like to know the full “she thought/he thought” story of? If you’re a father, we’d love you to share one of your untold stories as a comment below!
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Hello there!! What a great article. I am the founder of an organization called The DADPR project. DADPR is an acronym for Daughters Advocating for Daddy’s Parental Rights. Our purpose is to advocate, educate, and bring awareness about the obstacles that men face when trying to get equal parental rights for their daughters. Thousands of blended families are created every day but men have a much harder time getting parental rights to their children. We are an organization, ran by women, in support of women who advocate on behalf of our fathers, sons, husbands, and brothers who want to be apart of their children’s lives. On behalf of our organization, we salute you in standing with the men in your lives as we help support them in this journey called Fatherhood!
We all have our journeys through life, we all have our own stories. I’m so glad you enjoyed the post Tameka. It is always interesting and eye-opening for me to look at a story I know so well (the birth of my first child) through a perspective (such as my husband’s) that I had never thought of before. Thanks for your comment and your support of fathers through their journey.
Great post! Maybe a good follow-up post would be your husband’s answers to some of those questions. Another aspect: My husband and his sister always celebrate their mom on Father’s Day (and Mother’s Day) because their dad wasn’t around growing up. Some single moms are forced to fill the dad role, so it’s important for the moms to provide male role models for their kids, I think (there are SO many books on this, you’d be amazed). And in my own life as a mom, I’m still totally amazed at how comfortable my husband was with our daughter after she was born. I think I changed 1 diaper in the hospital, and he gave her her first baths. I think he is a natural, and I “came into” feeling like a natural after a few days/weeks!
I think it is very neat that your husband and his sister always celebrated their mom on Father’s Day. My husband was also raised by a strong, single mom who took on both the role of Father and Mother at many times. My husband also was amazingly comfortable around our daughter after her birth - changing diapers and as the designated “bather of the baby.” I sometimes wondered if this comfort factor was in part due to the comfort level he had with his mom’s roles as a parent growing up?