Have you ever thought about wanting to save your children from making some of the same mistakes you made growing up?
I have. I do. A lot.
Is it possible to teach our kids what we wish we would have learned at an earlier stage of our own lives?
In looking back at the various moments that stand out in my own childhood, I have come to realize that these instances, these memorable moments, have in many ways defined my parenting “agenda” and what I tend to think is important to teach my kids.
So here it is: If I could teach my children only one thing in life, it would be self confidence. And the importance of this lesson to my parenting agenda primarily stems from defining moments in my childhood.
Rewind… to High School
It was the day before “THAT DAY.”
(You know, the day you dread!?! In high school there always seemed to be a lot of these days.)
For weeks I had practiced - alone in my bedroom, the door tightly shut, with just a “boom box,” a cassette tape, and a full length mirror. The lyrics of Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison” played over and over in my head and the rewind button on the tape player that kept replaying that song was looking very worn-out.
I remember how my heart began to race when I fully realized that the next day was “THAT DAY.”
And then, for the millionth time, I started to cry.
It was late fall of my freshmen year of high school and “THAT DAY” was the big all-school pep rally in our gymnasium. At this pep rally the cheerleaders were performing a “peppy” hip-hop dance.
And unfortunately…
I was a cheerleader.
Cheer, yes. Dance, maybe??? Hip-Hop…
Heck NO! (And especially “heck no” to hip-hop dancing in front of all my classmates!)
Hundreds of students watching. A handful of cheerleaders performing. And I was only a freshman.
I did NOT want to do this.
And I cried.
I cried because I had to dance in front of all my friends and hundreds of other students and I just didn’t think I had it in me.
No excessive preparation, no bedroom mirror, not even a magic wand could have prepared me for “THAT DAY”… the only thing that could have saved the day was a healthy dose of self-esteem.
Pause… to ponder
The question is: Whatever and whoever made me think I could not dance? (Because - years later, although I still might not be a hip-hop dancing queen - I now LOVE to dance!)
In hindsight the answer is clear: Nothing and no one made me feel inadequate except me, myself and I.
I look back at that experience and remember how upset and stressed I was. (Actually, I look back at a lot of high school and remember how worried and aware I was of what others thought about me… I know I can’t have been alone in this worry! I am certain this is a stage many teenagers go through.)
Nevertheless, through this experience and others, I have learned to “own it.” Self-confidence alone can make the difference between dancing “in despair” and dancing “in delight.” And for goodness sake, dancing should be fun!
Yet, how do you tell an emotional high schooler to just “own it?” Furthermore, how do I tell this to my own 8-going-on-18-soon-to-be-emotional-high-schooler daughter?
Fast-forward… to Present Day
We’ve each had “THAT DAY,” right? We all have defining moments in our lives - some I am sure, way more defining that just hip-hop dancing in a gymnasium full of our peers. Most likely we all have been influenced in many ways by these instances.
Yet how do these moments influence and affect our parenting?
For me, I find that because I ultimately learned from my experience “THAT DAY,” I changed and grew as a person.
Because of getting through “THAT DAY” (and many other experiences that also taught me to make the best of situations) I am more apt to do something that might push me out of my comfort zone.
In retrospect, who I am and all my life experiences becomes what I teach my children.
Press Play… and Be an Example
I sometimes flash back to my high school experience and remember “THAT DAY.”
And do you know what?
To all the “natural-born-hip-hop-dancers” out there…
I DID IT!
Partly because I knew my parents would never let me quit.
Partly because I didn’t have the guts to tell my cheerleading coach that I couldn’t do it.
Partly because I was a bad liar and could NEVER successfully fake being sick.
Yet, for whatever the reason - I did it! And I survived!
And in the long run it taught me that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
So now I work to pay that lesson forward to my own kids in hopes that I will teach them confidence through my confident actions. In hopes that I can teach them that sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do.
- I’ve gotten up in the middle of the night (and the crack of dawn) to nurse my children without too many complaints. (Key words being too many!)
- I go to soccer games and put my “soccer-mom-face” on. (Even on Mother’s Day!)
- I try not let my kids see my lack of confidence in my own nursing skills when one of them is sick (All they really see is I am mom which OBVIOUSLY means I can fix all! Right?)
- I will even dance hip-hop if need be… maybe…
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe I actually want to save my children from my mistakes. In fact, I might go as far as to wish for my children to make some of my same mistakes, for with each mistake I made, I learned and grew and became the person (and the mom) I am today.
Instilling confidence in my children will always be a priority of mine. Maybe to foster this confidence, the best thing I can do as a parent is model and hope that they too have “THAT DAY” (And I am sure they will!) so that they too can learn from their own experiences?
Because when I replay my life, I see that experience is one of my best and most influential teachers.
Leave a comment and let me know what you think? Did you have moments that help to define how you parent? If you could teach your children only one thing in life, what might it be?
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Another great post Kate!
There is nothing more important than instilling self-confidence and self-esteem in our kids. As desperately as I want to shield my daughter from any hurt and all the bad things in the world, I can’t. Good thing too because something tells me I’d be doing her a major disservice in the long run. You learn from experience. The good and the bad!
Lord knows I could have done without some of the disappointments in life but every wrong turn and scary/bad experience had a hand in shaping me into the person I am today and led me to where I am in life.
Married to one of the “good guys” and the mother to a happy (well most of the time anyways, lol!), healthy (THANK YOU LORD!) beautiful little girl. Nope, wouldn’t change a thing
It is hard to not shield your children from the bad things in the world. That’s another post all in itself!
Wrong turns are sometimes more “educational” than correct turns… But it still is hard to watch someone make the same mistakes you might have made. Again, another reason why I LOVE the idea of sharing stories instead of advise… Stories really help me see a bigger picture. Thanks for your comments Tatum!
WOW! Great post! The question then becomes, “Well, how do I instill confidence in my child?” I think the answer that I am reading in your post is play.
As a busy person, I had a hard time getting down to my two-year old daughter Eve’s level enjoying unstructured, seemingly unproductive play. After all, I had so many “more important” things on my agenda. However there is a ton of beneficial things for Eve and I that go on during play time. During play time, she gets my undivided attention and I get much needed time away from some of those other things to focus on her. Play helps me to get to know more about Eve and who she is, what she can do, and how she views the world and processes information. My attention to her, at least I hope, makes her feel less anxious and not fighting for my attention all the time.
I think that is what you’re touching on during your break-out dance parties which may or may not include hip-hop. That sort of attention and break from routine teaches self-confidence and encourages togetherness.
Okay, I’m rambling. It provoked a few thoughts and I think you’re right on the money here Kate!
Play is such an underestimated form of confidence building. How insightful and something I wouldn’t have immediately connected from this post Luke! It is amazing how little things (or at least things that we think are “little” such as playtime with our toddler) may impact their learning and growing as a person. What a fabulous comment! Thanks!
P.S. Gotta love a “break-out” dance party every once in a while!
I’m so glad Luke brought up play. There is so much benefit to free and imaginative play that we don’t always think about. Electronic toys that talk to our kids may be cute but having our kids make up stories and voices for their toys may help them more. Physical play is getting so much attention because of the obesity epidemic too. Having more comfort in our physical and mental ability to deal with different things that may come up because we’ve rehearsed so many of them during playtime is how I grew up. But I had to keep reminding myself to give my daughters the same opportunity because the toys that were available were so different than what I had available. Another thing I learned as I tried to give my girls the confidence I wanted them to have is that just saying “you’re doing a great job” was not enough. Saying that too quickly or too often for everything they did was not making them feel more confident. It made them feel that even a less than stellar job got praise - so why do more? But the times when they struggled or really put out 110% effort gave them the confidence from within to know they had achieved something of value. It’s a hard balance to praise enough but praise appropriately.
Linda, I agree completely with your statement:
Overexposure to anything creates a “numbness” to consequences in my opinion. I have found, like you, through trial and error that kids realize way more than you think when you truly mean what you say. And they pick-up quickly on meaningful praise vs. insignificant praise.
Another GREAT post, Kate! I think about this topic all of the time, and confidence is one of the main qualities I ponder. I know my parents did their best to instill confidence in me, yet there are many times I fell short due (at least partially) to its lack. Still, I think my parents did better with me, hopefully we can do even better. Yet, like you point out, sometimes there are lessons that are kids will need to learn for themselves. It’s hard to watch, sometimes, we all just have to hang in there, doing our best. Thank goodness for understanding from fellow parents. Thanks, Kate!!
Thanks Sara. It would be interesting to hear your parents thoughts on this topic… on how they viewed building confidence in their kids. Years later, as I write these posts, it is always interesting for me to hear my own parents comments on these blogs and listen to how they viewed certain instances in my life. (Since they read all of these posts I write!
)
Growing up, I didn’t hear the words “I’m proud of you” very often. I worked so hard to get that. It’s not that my parents didn’t love me. They just didn’t understand that I drastically needed that.
So, I make sure that my kids hear it from me often. That I’m proud of their efforts and their character. It’s so beautiful to watch their faces light up in those moments.
It’s good to also hear the “flip side” of over-praising kids… there has to be a happy medium. I too love watching my kids faces light up when they know I am proud of them for a genuinely good reason. Thanks for sharing Susie.
Raising self confident children is a large priority for my husband and I, and I very much connected to this week’s blog. As we both grew up in households where our parents had high expectations on grades, involvement in activities, manners, behavior, showing respect toward others, etc, I fear that we sometimes are too hard on our own kids as they grow and learn. I am hopeful that our desire for our kids to have strong morals/values and a solid spiritual belief system directly and positively correlates to a healthy level of self confidence and self esteem for our kids. And of course, the ‘teaching’ needs to be tempered by loads of love, a lot of discussion/conversation/reflection, and being an example and role model for our children.
I often reflect on a quote that I heard in high school, “Stand for something, or you’ll fall for anything”…which I think can apply to many different situations and perspectives. It’s my hope that by helping to set those “standards” and values for our kids, they’ll be equipped to make the best choices…especially during those pre-teen/teen years when decisions are so heavily influenced by their peers.
This type of introspection (sparked by your blog!) and conversations with other Moms/parents is part of my own evolution as a parent. Thanks for giving us all the opportunity to relate and share our experiences and thoughts Kate!
I too “fear that we sometimes are too hard on our own kids as they grow and learn.” It is hard to find that happy medium in parenting when it comes to teaching expectations, respect and behavior. I am so glad that you connected with this weeks blog on such a personal level. Thanks so much for sharing your insight Leslie. I really believe that there is not a better way to learn than from other people’s stories and experiences, and your comment above had some great personal reflections that I hope others - like me - will learn from and connect with too.