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With a much heavier heart than I anticipated, I forced a smile on my face.
The school year had begun, and my two oldest children were off to school again, excitedly stepping up into their big, yellow school bus.
With mixed emotions and a million-and-one conflicted feelings racing through my mind, I watched them both disappear into the bright morning sky. Finally, after losing site of the tiny, yellow, speck-of-a-bus, I leisurely wandered back into my home and waited - patiently waited - for my 2-year-old to wake up and join me in my state of loneliness no wait excitement no wait loneliness AND excitement.
Some mothers enthusiastically anticipate the 1st day back to school.
Others stream tears in sadness and/or pride.
I, myself, am a gigantic bag of mixed emotions.
I feel…
a little lonely (in the abnormal quietness of my house),
but also a little relieved (to be alone in the short-lived quietness of my house).
I feel…
a little teary (to not be there every second of every moment of my children’s day),
but also a little gleeful (to have a small break from every second of every moment of their day).
I feel…
a little trapped (imprisoned by the hours dictated by and dedicated to school and education),
but also a little free (from the daytime activities of taxiing kids around town).
I feel…
a little scared (knowing how quickly my children have grown from babies to school-aged),
but also a little excited (knowing how much they learn and develop from their experiences).
I feel…
a little helpless (as they encounter tough situations and grow into their own personalities),
but also a little hopeful (by how much my own actions have contributed to molding them).
And somewhere along the way I’ve also started to feel…
a little older (with less time to accomplish my own life goals),
however, a little wiser (with more knowledge to better know which life goals to put focus on).
Every day that passes, each new school year that arrives, all the steps along life’s path as a parent and a mother seem to lead me to nothing but a bag of mixed emotions and uncertainty.
And on this day - the first day of school - as I sat within the unusual silence of my home, I hesitantly concluded that the uncertainty and mixed emotions are worth their price.
They have to be, right?!
Moments later, the abnormal silence was broken by the joyful shouts of my waking toddler, the beginning of another morning filled with less and less noise - but still noise…
Noise, that with each passing day, I am beginning to appreciate more and more.
Leave a Comment: This is how I felt. How do you feel when your children go back to school?
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I had mixed emotions as well. I always look forward to a new school year, but it felt as though the summer went by SO quickly. My Mom, who watches them when they don’t have schools was definitely not ready. I feel a little sad as they get older because in a couple of years my oldest (in fourth grade) will be in junior high. When that happens, she and her sister won’t go to the same school until she is a senior in high school.
Julia I completely understand your sadness as your oldest travels on to Junior High. Our children are spaced so far apart (each 3 1/2 years) that my oldest and youngest will never be in the same school… breaks my heart!