Note: Are you interested in finding the type of support a Mothers’ Center offers but don’t have a Mothers’ Center nearby? Learn more about starting a local Mothers’ Center group by downloading our New Center Start-up Guide.
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I nervously smiled at the large circle of women surrounding me as I was introduced. It was early December and I had traveled from Ohio to New York as the NAMC’s newest staff member, to visit with members of the Mothers’ Center of Southwest Nassau whom I had only maybe talked with via emails, Facebook, or a brief phone call.
As I stood up to share my gratitude towards Mothers’ Centers and also to discuss my roll with the National Association, I knew immediately that my words were heard, supported and understood.
I felt an immediate bond with these women.
However it isn’t always that way…
An Unexpected Hurt
I still remember that morning vividly - how the initial feeling of hurt quickly turned to anger and then eventually regret. I had been completely misunderstood. Completely.
Hours had been spent working on a blog post where I reluctantly shared some of my more “challenging days” as a parent. My hopes and expectations were that other moms might see that my life experiences (and the life experiences of many mothers) are not always “sitcom” perfect.
I had put myself uncomfortably “out there” only to awaken the morning the post went live to a comment which stopped me cold in my tracks. It effectively made me second guess every decision I had ever made both in parenting and blogging.
As I contemplated my reply, I let the reader’s comment fester for a while. I typed a response, then deleted the response. Then I typed another response, reread the response, and subsequently deleted that response too. Finally, I turned to re-reading the comment… over and over and over and over.
Until eventually I thought: Could it be possible that I might have taken the comment the wrong way? (Something which can be very easy to do when one is not directly talking to somebody face to face.)
Regardless of whether the comment was meant as an attack on my parenting skills or as honest advice which had been offered in a way I didn’t relate to, the bottom line was that I had been unexpectedly hurt by something that could have been well intended.
And I instantly realized how easy it can be to misinterpret words.
Personally Speaking
Written words aren’t the only culprits instigating misunderstanding.
Some time later I was at a meeting - a meeting which was only for this particular group’s chairpeople. Although I had been a member of this organization for more than a couple years, I had only recently been appointed a leadership role. What the other members in attendance didn’t know, was that I had also just recently gone through some personal struggles which had really made me refocus my own life priorities.
This meeting happened to be our first gathering as a new leadership team, and I thoughtlessly mentioned my concern and nervousness about being able to effectively fulfill my pending duties in my new role.
The personal wound I (and my immediate family) had been struggling with was still very fresh. And really, all I needed was time to readjust after the traumatic event we had experienced. I needed time to talk more about how hard the past months had been, yet because I wasn’t exceptionally close to my new teammates, I didn’t know how to effectively communicate this to them face-to-face.
What came out, in hindsight, I am now aware probably looked more like me resigning my leadership role - which had not been my intention at all.
When I left the meeting I felt defeated and misunderstood. I hadn’t meant to leave the organization hanging. I didn’t want to leave the roll that had been handed to me. But that is exactly what happened.
I had been completely misunderstood. Completely.
And I realized again how easy it is to misinterpret words.
The Power of Words
Words, whether written or voiced, are so very fragile. They can be bent or twisted, even become unrecognizable from their initial intentions. They can have different cultural meanings, regional understandings, and generational perceptions.
There will always be the opportunity for miscommunication.
What I’ve learned by being misunderstood is that the only way to establish successful communication is by:
- Building strong relationships,
- Getting to know those you are communicating with on a more personal level,
- Learning yourself not to jump to conclusions, and
- Giving others a second (or third?) chance to make an impression.
Because sometimes…
Words DO get in the way.
And we’re not always as lucky to be surrounded by a community of women from a Mothers’ Center. A group of parents who are trained and encouraged to recognize and understand the importance of being able to share one’s joys and challenges in a confidential, inclusive and nonjudgmental way.
Leave a Comment: How do you deal with miscommunication? Have you spoken or written words only to find that they were completely misinterpreted and misjudged?
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m a first time reader of your blog and enjoyed your style of writing as well as the content. I would like to comment as a person with many years of experience in communication as a Human Resources Manager in american firms with foreign parent companies.
I agree with your assement of words carrying unintentional meaning from the perspective of the audience. I have successfully carried over my work experience with foreign born employees from various cultures in my everyday life. When expressing yourself to people from similar backgrounds and generation as you or not, it is always best to speak difinitively and without slang or current terminology. Speak to everyone as if they are from another country or generation and English is not their first language. This is not always easy because as a woman from the babyboom generation, even in the full bloom of women’s rights, we were always reminded that speaking directly, in charge and with conviction, we were not feminine. But it does help when you have to think about what you wish to convey and to distill it down to make sure you are not misunderstood.
It is my belief that the best learning tool is personal experience. It is wonderful that you have been able to carry over strategies that have helped you communicate at work into your personal life.
Don’t always assume that people understand what you are talking about - great advice to share with others! Learning to break concepts down, making them straightforward and understandable is not always simple to do - but often necessary. Thanks for your insightful comment and for taking the time to visit and read this blog. I hope you’ll return!
That’s my MC! LOVED seeing their photo here and reading your post. I love these women. And I love the NAMC. Regardless of what comments individuals make, you are doing such meaningful work, and so is the MC in Toledo - clearly a very strong and thriving MC. You GO!
PS: Hey, Jennine!
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